Nah don't do that. You're bringing the past into your present. Don't focus too much on what you are, focus on who you want to be. Focus on the future. In bringing honor and glory to your mom. I do have to commend you, not everyone understand the situation where your parent is utterly mad at you but you still believe they love you. You are blessed with such understanding. It's understandable that you feel that way considering your father was never around. But I tell you, through christ you can be freed from it. You don't need your father for guidance, you can look to the almighty. His teachings are here for us to adhere to. You do need to forgive your father. Not because he deserves it, because he doesn't but you do. Free yourself of the past that burdens your present. Let your present be motivated by the future you and the lord desires. Our god stood by and let his disciples be martyred. Tortured, mamed, and killed. We all know that the path to salvation is uncompromisingly narrow, and by this struggle you are being purified. Look to the lord for guidance, and I pray that he may lighten your heart so that your brain drives in the road towards being whole with little to no fog obstructing your path. I know comfort is what you seek, but I'm afraid there is very little anyone of us can do but give words. We will not alleviate you from this state of being. Depression is personal, everyone goes through it differently. The cause for yours isn't probably the same as mine. But keep pushing towards Christ, I know the silence only make the mental state more chaotic, desperate for answers but nothing is given. Don't despair for he is always with you. Submit to god and his laws and let that be your purpose. Try it for 3 months. Forgive your father. Have a conversation with your mother. Start by telling her that you are sorry. Tell her you are sorry for why she is the way she is, tell her you don't understand how she came to be that way but you understand why. She had to be your father too. Tell her you're sorry for what you've become because her anger shaped you. Forgive her for being angry and tell her that you know she's doing her best. Forgive her so that god can take away the image that was recreated in you by your circumstance. If there's any way you can contact your father, forgive him too. I got this from Jesse Lee Peterson, it worked for me and I hope it can do something for you too for our parents are our root. And any resentment that we may carry on this present time is because of them and it will never go away unless you forgive them.

If you need company to talk to you can PM me. I was 17 once and almost pulled the trigger. One thought I regret the most, but grateful to god that my mother at the time broke down my door.