Everyone wants to hand you off to a psychiatrist, and wash their hands of it, feeling they've done their duty. It's understandable. To deal with this themselves would require an uncomfortable empathy.

You see a child, and you have a reaction. I doubt that yoe decide to have that reaction. I know that you decide not to act on it in any harmful way. Morally, you are at worst neutral and probably superior. After all, there is no virtue in resisting an urge one doesn't have.

Is the reaction itself immoral? It certainly seems horrifying to most people. Imagine if someone said that they had an urge to kill children; that every time they saw a child they felt an urge to kill them. And further, that they anticipated intense pleasure in doing so. It would be horrifying, even if you knew the person would never do it.

Typically, a child molester (which you are not) will desperately cling to some delusion that the victim invites and enjoys the abuse. They will hang on to that delusion despite all evidence to the contrary, through therapy, prison, later encounters with the victim, seeing the damage and pain caused: they cliing to that delusion with great determination.

They have to, because it's the only way they can reconcile any view of themselves as a decent person with the conflicting evidence that their greatest pleasure resulted in making a child sick hurt and sad.

But you haven't harmed a child, so you have another way. You don't need any delusions to see yourself as a decent person. In fact, you're relying on some delusions to see yourself as a horrible person. You are mistaken.

It's easy to be a monster, and it's easy to be a saint. Monsters don't have to be sorry or feel shame. Saints never do anything wrong. But you don't get it that easy. You're no saint, and you're no monster. You're a screwed up human with a horrifying problem, and you're doing a good job of managing it.

That's what you do. You manage it. Don't pretend it doesn't exist. It's your responsibility, and clearly you know it. Don't pretend it isn't really a problem: you already know that, too. And don't pretend it's an impossible problem. It isn't, and for you to act helpless about it would be dangerous. You've already done one thing about it: you posted here. You said what was happening and you asked for help.

It is a manageable problem. I think there's a very good chance you will manage it well, from what I see so far. But don't pretend you can do it alone. I won't just hand you off to a psychiatrist, but yes, getting into therapy is important. It will be embarrassing and scary, but you know you need some assistance in managing this. Not just to prevent you from harming any children: you can and do manage that yourself already. But to make it so you can be OK with yourself.

It goes hand in hand. The better you feel about yourself, the less likely you are to act on any urges. But mainly, since you already manage that, it is just important that you be happy. You don't need more shame. You have a lifetime supply. Shame doesn't help anything here.

You have a big, difficult problem here. How do you manage this attraction and still work and function and enjoy the world? How do you accept this horrifying thing and still see that you're a decent person? That's what therapy is for. It isn't punishment. You obviously don't need therapy to resist the urge, you do that already.

I don't know what options are available to you, but whatever you do, you make sure to start by realizing you're a decent person who needs help. Start from there, and do what you can.