I can tell you what finally worked for me. Prior to this, I harbored a lot of anger towards my ex, and directed as much of it as I could towards her. Self-righteous emails, texts, dismissive attitude when she was making bad choices. She was an addict, she has mistreated me and our child, I have a right to feel this way--that was my internal monologue that drove a lot of my behavior. And guess what? None of her behavior changed. If anything, she got more irrational, more belligerent, more obstinate in her dealings with me. I was losing my mind, trying to control her behavior and force her to comply with what I thought was appropriate behavior.

I gave my life to Christ about 5 years ago, and that was what changed it for me. I'd like to tell you it all magically went away after that, but that's not how it works. I spent a lot of time studying the Bible, talking to friends and exploring what forgiveness meant from a biblical perspective. That's what began to change my view of the situation. I went from cursing her name to praying for her. It took a year or two, but during that time, my stress level went down, my anger went away, and I was able to let go of carrying the burden of making her act the way I thought she should act. It never changed her behavior (sorry, no happy ending there!) but it did allow me to stop getting wrapped around the axles by that. I also talk with a lot of other blended families who are struggling with similar dynamics. Sharing my story with them has helped them begin to change the dynamic, but it also helps me see mine in a totally different light.

I would also be remiss if I didn't say that being married to a wife who is understanding of my situation, and supportive of my efforts to change (and actively participating in the discussion of how those changes take place) has been crucial as well. Being surrounded by a supportive community is critical, and that community has to start with your spouse/SO (assuming you're remarried or LTR) if it is going to be successful long term, in my opinion.

Forgiveness for me is still a daily thing, although it is a lot easier now than it was then, there are still days where I can get caught wallowing.