Your pronouncements of me is fair in some regards and completely blind in others. Yes I'm mean. Yes I can be manipulative as you and I discussed this past spring. Yes I want people to do what I want. Is that all there is to me. NO...is that all you kids seem to see...YES. I'm done, not just done trying to explain myself...I'm done with all you don't see. I'm done being judged because of my last name. The behaviors listed above are all human behaviors. The qualifier is the motive behind them. I think the only thing you have not accused me of is being selfish...until today. I officially have no redeeming qualities according to you and WIFE'S NAME who was so quick to get her little digs in I noticed.
I'm done hiding my hurt and disappointment. I'm done hiding I'm intimidated by you. I'm done fearing you'll banish me. I'm done. I am who I am and I will not defend my motives and feelings any more. You kids don't like me, I get that. But I'm not going to let you brow beat me and judge me so harshly any more. If you can't see the length of my fuse before the boom. To hell with you all. That's where I failed you and me. I am NOT NMOM’S FULL NAME I am me. WIFE'S NAME is dead wrong, you don't know me or you wouldn't say the things you say about me so causally. Just because your my children does not give you the right to be so critical of me or hard on me or so fucking apathetic with me all the damn time like I'm bothering you.
Sure, I'm mean when backed into a corner, when the dam finally breaks. WHO ISN'T? Your mean in your constant belittling of me. In the gifts and loans and forgiveness shown to in-laws and others...and at those same times...your total disregard of me. In looking down on me and finding fault with me with little to no responsibility in the pain you may have caused that lead up to my lashing out. I think it's very ironic that you and YOUNGER SISTER'S NAME are thought of so highly by your in-laws...who get the allowances/and considerations..but I'm thought of so shabbily by those family's children. It seems to all flow one direction.
I am not a bad person. I'm kind and generous to a fault. I don't hesitate to drop whatever I'm doing to help, no matter the inconvenience/cost to me, and do so with a positive attitude that I'm happy to help. I'm sick and god damn tired of having it thrown in my face that I do it for praise or with motive. I DO IT BECAUSE IT'S THE RIGHT THING TO DO AND RESENT BEING REMINDED THAT NOT EVERYONE SUBSCRIBES TO THE SAME MORAL! I realize beyond measure that "do unto others" is for ignorant naive Christians in your eyes. I also fully admit that message becomes abundantly clear the second I'm the one in need. Yes I am just human enough to see and even resent how difficult it is for you all to see and attend my needs when I'm broken enough to show them.
All you measure me by is my meanness...less than 1% of who I am 100% of the time. And never do you look at in the big picture...and I can and will say NEVER! I'm not going to defend or justify myself any more to you children. I'm just going to get on with my life without having to exercise super human emotional restrain by just not exposing myself to your self indulgent gull for me any more. I disagree with you that I throw everything up in your face. I just have a different perspective than you. I'm looking at the big picture and your looking out the peep hole of self preservation. I'm not going to be silenced any more. Therefore you don't have to worry about me being mean any more and name calling. I'll just tell you as it happens and if we skip the farce of family that won't have to be to often. It seems to work for WIFE'S NAME, she is after all so beloved for that character facet "telling it like it is."
I assembled a box of all the things you've ever given me. It fits in a clothes basket and most of which came from the time you were with MY EXGIRLFRIEND FROM 10 YEARS AGO NAME. Oh my, is that manipulative or truth. It includes the box of dog shit from WIFE'S NAME along with a bottle of Tylenol...I THINK she MAY have given me one or two once, so I threw in a bottle just to cover all my basis. But yes, I think I got it all.
All about me! No, it's all about how much crap and filth your willing to drag me through and STILL say to me "keep your mouth shut." I'm just mad at YOUNGER SISTER'S NAME? Guilty! I'm mad YOUNGER SISTER'S NAMEl never listened. I'm mad she brought that filth back into my life and was so caviler when I told her YOUNGER SISTER'S DAUGHTER'S NAME was in danger. I'm mad that all of you totally disregarded the non-stop nightmare I've been living in the last month while trying to respect what you were going through.
The only and I mean ONLY up side is IF we didn't catch it in time, for the most part YOUNGER SISTER'S DAUGHTER'S NAME is oblivious to it. I had good fucking reason to look down the road. And fuck you MY NAME and WIFE'S NAME for you condescension of that. And fuck you both again for me being stupid enough to share my anguish over you not having a child of your own and being the only ones who should have a child. YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY ONES WHO GRIEVE THAT BABY so fuck you one more time for you self-centered-ness on the subject!!! You both have made it sooooooo incredibly hard to deal with....period!!!!
There was no devious plan or manipulation unless you count the 2 of you voicing your concerns to YOUNGER SISTER'S NAME instead of to me. I would have very simply said..."but what IF she continues to not listen...she has already established this pattern!!" I was talking to you because I know you have YOUNGER SISTER'S NAME's best interest at heart....who else should I have gone to. I was being reasonable in spite of how angry I was and how scared and emotionally sick I was. And if there is a down side to me having protected you from that same harm...it's that you have no grasp AT ALL of the sheer terror I've been feeling for that innocent baby... ZERO empathy.
I FUCKING AGREED WITH WIFE'S NAME THE INSTANT SHE SAID YOUNGER SISTER'S NAME WAS A GOOD MOTHER TO YOUNGER SISTER'S DAUGHTER'S NAME WHEN SHE WAS IN HER CARE. I then immediately realized that it was only YOUNGER SISTER'S NAME's naivete that YOUNGER SISTER'S DAUGHTER'S NAME was in good hands when with others. Neither of you said WHOA let's talk about this. BECAUSE I BACKED DOWN FROM THAT LINE OF THOUGHT....IT WAS A THOUGHT...BORN FROM TERROR THAT YOUNGER SISTER'S DAUGHTER'S NAME WOULD HAVE TO ENDURE ANYTHING LIKE I DID!!!!! MY NAME if you and your wife can't see the harm YOU did here. I don't know what to say. I do still say, what was your wife's intention in telling YOUNGER SISTER'S NAME that in that context or at all!?!?!? The revelation about YOUNGER SISTER’S BOYFRIEND’S NAME was a game changer and what I said before that changed entirely beside the fact that I had already backed down....There was no need for it....and that fucked up comment she got away with "oh now your worried about YOUNGER SISTER'S NAME"...If WIFE'S NAME had said nothing...this wouldn't be going on now...but she as usual had to stick her unwanted day late 2cents worth into it....why aren't you telling her to shut her mouth? You saw how I was with YOUNGER SISTER'S NAME at your house! Was there any trepidation then? No...not till WIFE'S NAME threw her 2cents in to as you said, "let her sister-in-law know your insane". Nice! And I'm the bitch. Indeed. JUST what YOUNGER SISTER'S NAME needed right then.
But, I realize I'm just wasting my time here. You've all made up you minds it is 100% me and my background. Well good for ya. I'm so glad your all so perfect and compassionate. WIFE'S NAME's example of what I should do with SISTER'S BOYFRIEND'S SISTERS NAME is a shining example of that. I can not believe that woman works in health care. I can however believe she would be a dark angel deciding who lives and dies...if we're all into speculating now on people's capabilities.
I mean really!!!! WTF... You think I could really JUST take YOUNGER SISTER'S DAUGHTER'S NAME from YOUNGER SISTER'S NAME!?!?! What have you missed the last year with BROTHER'S NAME. I'll tell you what "I" didn't miss, is me doing all the heavy lifting. How often have any of you reached out to the boys...chipped in for the boys...helped at all with the boys!?!?! YEAH! There's me being an angry mean manipulative bitch again making sure BROTHER'S NAME's sons at least know his family, well me. How's that for a fucking guilt trip. Fuck your condescension. I'd rather blow up once a year and be really mean for the day then selfish and self absorbed everyday. How do you live with the rest of us poor ignorant angry folks. I'm sick to death of you two's apathetic attitude and your so much more civilized than everyone else. Believe me we all see it.
And let's be clear... yes I screamed at YOUNGER SISTER'S NAME, "I'm sick and tired of you taking your bad choices out on me. Your life sucks because of the bad choices YOU made AGAINST my advice" then I said "I can't not believe you would believe WIFE'S NAME that I would JUST take your baby" Those were the life shattering words I screamed!!!! beginning to end...not even 30seconds.
So you want to go a step further about my anger issues....and how devastating they are. Nothing I said to you or YOUNGER SISTER'S NAME was not true. They weren't candy coated and spoon feed to you but they were true. And you gave me the ammunition for it. Meaning, I dealt with all the fallout from it previously and still. If you choose to believe I twisted things to do WIFE'S NAME in...your dead wrong and how sorry I am for you. On so many levels and in so many ways. BUT FOR JUST ONE MOMENT PRETEND IN YOUR MIND THAT I'M INNOCENT AND WHAT THAT MIGHT FEEL LIKE FOR ME....JUST ENTERTAIN IT FOR A SECOND!!!!