I understand where you're coming from, but I recently had to re-open some old wounds about an encounter I had in the gray area between "rape" and "unwanted sex", and it's not fair to dismiss the latter simply as people who woke up and decided, "that sex was meh" or "eh, shouldn't have done that."

In my case, I was traveling out of town to visit and old friend (during college), and went out drinking with her and her classmates. While out I got separated from my friend and her phone died, and before I knew it I was drunk and lost in a city where I knew no one else and had no way to contact my friend/didn't know her address to get back to her place. Then, by chance I happened to run into one of the guys from her group and when he realized my situation he was like, "stick with me, you'll be fine!" We met up with his housemates at another bar down the street and drank some more. The situation was 100% platonic- there was no flirting on either end. I didn't know any of these guys before that night, but I knew they were good friends of my friend and were all being respectful/fun so I wasn't worried about it. Plus I was just to relieved that I found someone I recognized while lost/drunk in a strange city! Eventually I asked him to take me back to my friend's place but he said it was really far away (by this point all public transportation had stopped for the night, and I knew that the original group I went out with lived scattered around town, so this was understandable), but he lived just down the road and I could crash there. So I went back to his place. When everyone else turned in for the night, the next thing I know he's on top of me aggressively making out and I'm so drunk I can barely process what's happening- in fact at first I straight up asked "what's happening?" and then our clothes were coming off (by him) and I had never been in this kind of situation before, but I felt like I could trust these people and was so confused/drunk it didn't register that I wasn't safe, it registered like "that's funny- this is like what would happen if we were going to have sex- but we aren't having sex!- wait are we?" And then I freaked out because I was in between birth control pills at the time and he didn't have a condom on. Didn't ask. Didn't say anything, just started going for it. I know I was borderline incoherent at this point, but I am positive I tried to ask him about this, but he didn't seem to be hearing me. It was like: "Hey, I'm not on birth control" "uh huh" "Hey... I'm not on birth control!" "uh huh" "You don't have a condom. I'm not on birth control." At one point I literally asked, "Are we having sex?" Which in hindsight should have DEFINITELY been a red flag to him... but nope. By this point I was so panicked in my drunken mind about me being vulnerable/unprotected that I didn't even care about the fact that his dick was in me without my consent, I just cared about not getting pregnant by this guy I don't know. So now I try to bargain with him: "don't cum in me." "uh huh" "I'm not on birth control- don't cum in me!" and my adrenaline starts racing because I can't tell if he's actually listening to me or not and then he pulls out, cums sort of next to/on me- and there's this awkward silence for a moment, and then idk why but he bursts out laughing. I left the room and started sobbing uncontrollably in the bathroom. I was so humiliated/lost/confused. The next morning I learned that my friend lived IN THE SAME BUILDING AS HIM. She was literally down the hall.

I never wanted to say anything about this because I know it's kind of a "he said/she said" story, and I didn't feel like it was fair to outright call this guy a rapist, but I definitely felt taken advantage of during a vulnerable situation, and overall disrespected and like at best he was "willfully ignorant" of my non-consent... It wasn't just a drunk hookup where I woke up and decided "meh, I didn't like that after all." Long story short, because I never said anything about it to my friend, and because he lived across the country from me I figured I could just put the whole thing behind me and never have to see him again. Well, a few weeks ago she ended up inviting him/some other friends from that group to an event we would all be attending where I live, and even though this happened 4 years ago, when I found out I would have to see him again I started shaking uncontrollably. My roommate and I were just talking about the upcoming event when I started shaking for no reason and she asked me what was wrong. I told her, and we ended up making separate plans for that event because even though I could rationalize in my mind that the whole thing was probably just an unfortunate misunderstanding/drunk mistake/whatever, even thinking about being in the same room as him again left me shaking.

This is why rape statistics are so hard to accurately gather. Not because there are all these people out there deciding in the morning, "meh, I didn't like it after all." It's because the gray area between 'rape' and 'unwanted sex' might seem harmless or even funny to one person, but devastating and traumatic to the other, and neither side is really wrong... I don't think that guy was like "muwahaha I'm going to rape her!" I get that to him it was just a funny drunk hookup. But it wasn't to me, and just because he has his side doesn't mean mine is suddenly invalid.