I wrote this in a daze yesterday. I dont feel that bad at the moment, but you want to gauge my self loathing, it's a good example:

*don't see a point any more. I feel that I've always been unhappy. I was never a good person. There was never a peaceful, pleasant, or joyful day in my life and there certainly won't be now.

If I died of cancer no one would be mad at me. Some people are born rotten. Whatever I have is terminal. I won't survive it. I don't care. Nothing matters. I'd rather feel nothing than what I've felt up until now.

Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I've been happy. I can't remember. Guess I'll never know for sure.

I don't care.

I want to buy heroin. Get some used needles from some filthy, homeless, HIV, hepatitis c riddled junkie and shoot it in my fucking femoral artery. I hope I die face down on the sidewalk like the piece of shit I am.

I hope people think I'm asleep and lay there for a long time until my body starts to rot. I hope I fall on my head so that when the blood pools my face bloats and cracks and seeps blood and puss and rotten insides to the point that I am unrecognizable.

I hope when they take my body away they laugh and say how dumb I was and that nothing was wasted. I hope they make jokes at my expense and once I'm in a human meat locker, I hope I was so insignificant that no coroner, emt, or policeman ever dwells on me.

I hope it hurts. I hope I suffer. I hope I go to hell. I hope I die slowly. I hope that I'll regret it and wish that I could take it back, but have it be too late. I hope I know it's too late. I hope I'm too weak to scream even if I try. I hope it hurts I hope it hurts I hope it hurts.

If I fail, I hope I get AIDS. I hope I get hepatitis and tetanus and gangrene and I hope the doctors treat me like shit. I hope they look down on me. I hope they don't try to help me because I'm an awful person and they could be helping babies or mothers that haven't done anything wrong and actually want to live. I hope they think as poorly of me as I think of myself (IMPOSSIBLE).

I hope there is no God. I hope everything is black. I hope I don't feel anything. I hope I go away. I don't want to hope anymore. I want it to be over.

I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't

I'm so wrong

I don't deserve anything good

I want to die

I want to die

I am a coward

I am a bad person

I Want to kill myself

I Want to rot on the sidewalk like a dead animal

I hope they scoop me up with a shovel and throw me away in a plastic bag

I want to slash my throat

I want to bleed every drop of blood I have. I want every ounce of blood to be outside my body, spilled on the ground, freezing to the pavement. I want to be humiliated. I want to have no dignity. I hope some homeless man strips me naked and fucks my corpse on the sidewalk. I hate myself so much.

I hate myself so much.

I hate myself so much.

I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself

I hope I don't hurt anyone

I can't

I'm So alone

I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't

Kill me kill me kill me kill me

Hate hate hate hate

Where do I go from here?*