Hey. My daughter's dad raped me, held us hostage for 2 days, and strangled me until I passed out. We ran with pretty much the clothes on our back. I currently pay him spousal support (30% of my income). I raise our kid alone. I've committed myself to staying single so she doesn't feel the abandonment you feel. I will say that raising a kid alone and being even remotely present for her while dealing with my own trauma was the hardest thing I've ever done. My parents abandoned me after a trauma too and I had to learn to forgive them and realize they did the best they could given the circumstances. Single mumming is legitimately the hardest thing I've ever done. I built a village for my kid and now with lockdown she only has me, and I'm working 2 jobs from home to keep us fed and she is angry at me that I'm ignoring her and cannot play anymore, but I'm legitimately doing everything I can to keep us alive. And she will be angry with me for a long time because of this, because her dad left her and then her mom had to work and ignore her. But we have to eat and I cannot lose my jobs now.
It's hard to see it from a mom's perspective. I'd a) get therapy, and b) look up attachment in relationships. This is your big problem. You hate women to protect yourself. I spent a whole year thinking all men are abusers if I gave them the time and opportunity. I still kinda think that, but I've developed secure friendships with men (not relationships) and it helped. PM me anytime.