So my SO saw this post. I also sent the link the the MA pamphlets. He insisted that I was "fucked up" because my mobile typing wasn't up to par. He said I need to own up to the fact that is was my fault he got busted. I wonder if we would have been together. Would he have taken the charge for me? I don't know. I've said how bad that I feel. I want to fucking cut my wrists.. but it cant because of my daughter. It isn't the withdrawal that is the worst part of the whole thing. It's the knowledge that he hates me for it. And how I fell like a worthless piece of shit. and a shitty mom. He said he was calling my parents. For what? I don't know. Is he trying to get me committed. I need him to do this.. I need him to help me do this. Not with guilt and anger but with love and support. It's all so bitter. I've been wanting to stop for so long. I thought I was doing better. Maybe it was the fact that I went to see a friend? I don't know.. that sounds extreme.. but I NEVER just go see friends. Just for the hell of it or just because I'm feeling shitty about myself and need someone to talk to. He's insistent that i'm fucked up right now and smell like weed.. It was the cigar i smoked on the way home from my friends house because I needed some sort of crutch.

I feel a little less lonely knowing that maybe some of you will read this and not think that I'm a total loser fuck up who doesn't deserve love from anyone.. I'm not worth it though.. I reallly think I cant do this without his support... I'll die. I'm weak.. but being told im weaker and worse just makes me weaker and worse. When i become this person.. this depressed.. anxious... lonely person. i cant handle his anger on top of everything else. to him Im just weak.. and dont care about him.. but i do