I know that this might be terrible to say here...I don't know, I read this post and it makes me so fucking sad, I was there for more years than I thought I could handle, it took me so long to find someone (I didn't even kiss/hold someone's hand until I was 21, I was very anxious and isolated and I had mental and physical illness issues my entire life). now I've been in my (first and only) relationship for two years. there was love and there was warmth but my depression never lessened, nothing felt better, maybe in the very beginning but that wears off so quickly.
I am still as sick as ever, now in an even worse position than I was before because the person that happened to love me is fucked up as well, we dragged each other down.
now I'm more depressed than ever because I thought...love was all I needed to be better, I thought the world would change when I was loved, and it did not.
I have terrible luck with people though, so there's that.
sorry to be so morose.
I remember every single night I spent crying over not having someone to hold me, not having anyone at all, I thought...if only I could just have one love, one relationship...then I would be happy, then I could die with relief. ...all these words, how we convey it...do not even manage to convey the intensity and the anguish of being alone, of feeling unloved.
but relationships...well, when you're in the darkness and pain of depression especially, relationships seem like pure magic.
maybe some of them are, but I haven't found that yet.
I romanticized relationships. I romanticized what I myself could be in a relationship, when I imagined relationships they involved a completely different version of me...it wasn't mentally ill, chronically depressed and sick me...it was a better version of me, the me I always long for....in reality...it's so different. it's painful. my experience with love has been more painful than happy.
I'm just trying to say...if you are fucked up now, you will be fucked up in a relationship and the relationship can and will suffer because of that. of course, anything is possible (as some say..but I'm skeptical)
I don't know it's super shitty to be like: everything is painful and awful and even love won't help..maybe that's just me. I feel that far gone.