From what I've read you have been wonderfully considerate to your husband & have spent a lot of energy trying to find a good solution for both of you.
as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her [...] husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. Please don't let anyone use the word against you as a weapon.
Yes, the Bible says wives are to submit - but men are to love their wives as they love themselves. Sacrifice and serve as Christ did for the church.
I agree with u/hesnottheone on some things... You mentioned several things that are noteworthy.
tears me apart on how inconsiderate I am of him sex which leaves me feeling miserable. he'll touch places I've specifically told him doesn't turn me on, but he does it anyway [because] it turns him on He just doesn't handle his emotions very well I'll be trying to get up to go to work but he'll demand sex.
Are these respectful actions & words? Serving? In this issue is he behaving as the best husband he can be?
If you go the therapy route I recommend reading about the particular counselor, their education level (masters, doctorate), and specialty (depression? elderly? relationship.) Take several appointments alone to establish rapport & trust. From there your therapist may recommend including him into sessions, or not. They may think it best to refer you to a different doctor/a neutral party. It may help to encourage him to seek his own therapist as well - think of it like each of you having your own coach. You work on your issues/things you would like to change - he works on his - without worrying about the other person finding out or feeling like you have to justify yourself to the doctor. When you go to couples therapy you are working on the relationship. However, that may be hard to do when each of you hasn't been working on yourself. I hope that made sense. One simple conflict resolution tip is to keep discussion fairly simple with the topics "I think, I feel, I want..." And, time wise under 5 to 10 minute (after that, one or both of you are just 'fighting to win.')
Below someone wrote a comment comparing sex to food. It is similar in the strictly biological sense that these are needs but I think it is a bit misguided to apply it to social relationships or behavior (for one, he is an adult.. he can cook for himself.)
There is nothing wrong with saying, "I think there are some issues other than our different sex drives effecting this part of our relationship. Last Wednesday, I felt miserable after sex. I want you [to tell me verbally when you want to have sex, to respect my decision when I decide not to, to encourage me when I tell you the things I do to try, to help me get to work on time by (action), etc.]" for example... It may seem hard (or even selfish) at first but remember to keep it about you & not him for two reasons. 1. It is a form of honest communication that by nature comes from a lot of thought, and, 2. This keeps you for assuming things about his thought processes, blaming him (intentionally or not), or bringing up past actions - instead you are laying out a plan for the future.
The last thing is probably the hardest part which is keeping your word. For example, if & when you decide you no longer will have sex with him when he whines - tell him so explicitly & make sure you have the strength to keep that promise to yourself & to him. If you said you want something and he agrees to it, remind him - and, hold him to his promises to you.
This can be a very tricky, very private matter so I hope my suggestions have been somewhat helpful. I wish you two the very happiest of marriages. Feel free to message me if you ever want to talk about.. just about anything, haha. Cheers. :)