Weed:

• must be smoked outside, in the cold, while keeping a watchful eye out for cops

Who smokes weed outside? Only on rare occasions have I ever seen people smoking outside, especially if they are at home.

• immediate side effects inevitably involve severe coughing and being unable to get my breath all night, ruining the evening without fail

Have you ever actually smoked weed? A lot of this comment makes me think "no."

• pretty much not socially acceptable

Get better friends.

• everything has to stop while you go outside and smoke

Again, where does this happen?

• set up involves holding the flashlight for some guy while he goes through this long and complicated process involving a grinder and packing a bowl/bong and then cleans up afterwords

Who are you smoking around? It's never this much of an inconvenience for most people.