I’m sincerely afraid that I might be the next guy to kill myself. My old bn (one of the 5th Marines battalions) has lost several Marines in the past few years. I’m pretty over life, living and existing. I wish I could kill myself by just saying and ^snap it’s over.

I’m afraid to shoot myself but I obsess over videos of dudes committing suicide. Looking at the frame before and after the trigger is pulled. “How fast was it?” “Did it hurt? Of course it didn’t” “do I want my family to see my like this”

I’m not going to commit suicide. I wish I could. So I stubbornly keep on living. My fear of suicide, and fear of failing keeps me alive. But everytime someone kills themselves, I always feel like the clock to midnight ticks again.

I’m tired.