Thank you so much for your time and reply, I appreciate it. I needed to get an outside perspective, having no one to discuss any of this with has been fucking torture, pardon my language, and I do see a lot of truth in what you have said here.

I am in the process of starting therapy, there is a waiting list I have to adhere to at the moment though.

It's extremely hard to explain the situation with the person coming on the trip, without going into further and possibly identifying details, but it had been decided by everyone involved that they weren't welcome from the start. I'll admit that I shouldn't have given the ultimatum that I did, but I can't take that back now, obviously. I was just absolutely livid that despite knowing how I felt about the person, it had already been decided upon.

In regards to the Reddit pm and comments, as I said in the post, I don't consider it cheating. But it did break my trust, in my opinion it's one thing watching porn or getting off on whatever, but another entirely to take it further as he did. Things got heated last night when I was trying to explain to him how I felt, and was asking him to try and explain why he did it, and that's when the snide comments were made on my behalf.

I didn't mention it in the post, as it's rather embarrassing to me, but I've recently found my libido after it being "lost" for the last few years. I've been feeling kind of awkward about it, because I've never been a really sexual person, and then I saw this and it just deflated me. I just feel so self conscious now and any confidence I had is now gone. Especially because as I mentioned, we were at a good point when he made those comments and sent that pm. It might also be me just looking for things, but I can't help but feel he isn't as attracted to me anymore as well, just little things I've noticed...

I just can't get out of my head that it's too far gone now. Maybe I should just let him go, until I get myself sorted out, and see how we go from there.

Thank you again.