Same as yours probably. Vice versa with women, I usually reject them, people don't really give me what I'm looking for. I feel no one deserves me. I'm able to depersonalize and switch at will but when I do I need to come back. I don't want to look at women or anyone else like that. I have been to extremes where I felt I needed some shock treatment of my own, I'm not that kid anymore. I'm easily sickened, hurt and yet can feel a sense of pleasure from those distortions. I can't go back without apprehension, I know what I'm looking at and I don't want to ever feel like that.. I'm not hungry, I'm just losing my appetite.
As I love the people in my life I need distance and personal space even more to love them . I don't want desire to poison my worldview and how I treat people. As many have said I'm very intelligent, no just distorted and disturbed. Friends have seen me switch characters and personalities and were concerned but impressed I can also do that. I'm the kind of friend you invite when you have other guests around but I would prefer to spend time with a 'crazy' person over a group.
I have found tapping into platonic love to be something more. I want to keep love away from the ugly, I'm like the devil but also my own angel, I can be dangerous especially when my primal instinct compels me to protect and go do bad things to people who have it coming them. Though I usually operate in the shadows as I'd rather fuck with someones life by not doing anything and watching.
Btw I'm not a diagnosed schizoid so 'NOT A REAL SCHIZOID'. I'm not as crazy as I think I just know myself well. Just coming here to read is fine, I'm learning, though hesistent with Schizoid gatekeepers who want to attribute this label to feed their egomania. It makes me question whether those people are genuine because I would become a threat to their 'rare' disorder like 'I HAVE THIS, YOU CAN'T BECAUSE I AM'. This is my response to that person who thinks like that, like why are you here then ? Like fuck off and go stroke your ego somewhere else, I want nothing to do with this person - someone who justifies they're bad behaviour because of ego's like this is why mental health seems to get blamed. If these were intelligent people they would know better, because you're sick it doesn't mean you know how to use a fucking brain. Yeah I was triggered when I first came here and saw comments like this.
Technically I do not exist. I do not want to get in your way so I'll let these 'rare' people exist so they can keep being trolls. I just wanted to say hello and goodbye.