f/33/5'0" SW 190 GW 120 Hi guys I have been reluctant to post here but I figure it will probably get buried anyway. Right now I am at the biggest I have ever been, I was always a bit bigger than my friends growing up but looking back on pics I wouldn't say I was overweight, just bigger. That didn't stop me from getting teased about it tho to the point of shattering my self esteem. At 18 my appendix burst and after recovery of not being able to eat for a few weeks it kickstarted my weightloss and by age 19-20 I actually got myself down to 115 lbs. I finally had my DREAM LIFE for awhile, until I got so afraid to gain weight that I developed bulimia, and then one day I decided I would stop focusing so much on the weight, and voila, 10 years, an abusive relationship, and several deaths in the family later, I have emerged a 190 pound 33 year old who is afraid to leave the house most weekends (all my friends are way hotter) and terrified of being caught in a photo. I still get ID'd at the liquor store on a fairly regular basis (every other time) even when they're not ID'ing anyone else, so I know if I can lose this 70 lbs I can have a 2nd chance to go back to BEFORE the abusive relationship happened and try to catch up on the time I lost out on. I have a decent career and am planning to open my own business in 2017, even got a tentative job offer to work in Miami (living in Florida has been my lifelong dream) but there's only one problem - I hate myself and the way I look. I'm also in a relationship with a hot guy 8 years younger who has ZERO ambition (i.e. doesn't work, doesn't have plans to do anything in the future) and I feel like I might be staying in this go nowhere situation because I'm afraid to be a fat, single 33 year old in a world where even my super hot single friends have no luck finding a guy. So if they have no luck, I feel like I'm doomed!
Then I have the non-single friends (also super hot) hating on my boyfriend telling me "you can do better" when really, can I? One of them is about to marry an amazing guy who I introduced her to, and this is the same guy who once said to a mutual friend (about me) "she used to be hot but then she got fat" - basically confirming that any QUALITY man (like my friend has and like she wants me to date) wants nothing to do with a fat girl. By the way, my current boyfriend isn't allowed at their wedding even tho I'm bridesmaid....
TL DR - I used to be hot, then I got fat. My friends hate my boyfriend and think I can do better yet I KNOW I can't do better because I'm fat. Being Fat is RUINING MY ENTIRE LIFE. HELP!!!!!