You have no respect for yourself. That’s the crux of this issue. This was one of the worst sensations of secondhand embarrassment I think I’ve ever felt. I feel a tremendous amount of pity for you, and I am frankly amazed that you think this behavior would do anything but degrade yourself into someone unrecognizable.

This man never loved you and he never will. He cheated on you for the entire duration of the relationship. Surely, you realize that. And after every time he indiscriminately shit on your head, you begged and sobbed and humiliated yourself for him.

This is fucking sick. You need counseling to find out why on earth you would do this to yourself. This is no different from a middle schooler carving their arms up like a Christmas ham. It’s a form of self-mutilation and it needs to end.