I'm amazed by how familiar this all sounds. When I was 16 I lost my virginity to my 18 year old boyfriend after he talked me into smoking weed with him. From that point on it felt like a nonstop game of talking me into more and more porn-like sex acts in absurd locations like work or school, much like you said. This was the first boy who had ever showed me attention, and whenever I hesitated at his suggestions he would remind me that all men wanted these things, and if I wanted love I would need to get used to it. He told me I was intolerable unless I was high, and started giving me "minimums" for the number of dabs I had to take when I got home. At the time, I convinced myself it was playful fun. I really was uptight, and it was generous of him to share his weed and wax with me. He was also very argumentative and inflammatory with my friends and family, it often seemed like he would pick fights, but disguise them as intellectual arguments so that I would "side" with him and cut off that person. I slowly lost contact with people because they didn't want to be around him. Once I began to wake up to the dangerous situation I was in, and tried to leave, he would threaten suicide or posting nude photos of me onto the internet. I wanted to leave but also believed that this was normal, and that I needed to be more open minded. This went on for a year and a half until one night we were hanging out at my best friend (Mandy's) house while her parents were out. We were drinking, and at one point he asks me to go have shower sex with him. Mind you, it's 8pm and we're watching TV with a friend in her home. He keeps pestering me about it and I attempt to say no without alerting our friend of what was happening. He becomes visibly upset and goes silent, and pouts for a while before saying he was going to go to bed in her spare bedroom. I follow him and he asks me again to go to the shower with him, and I say no. We argue about it for a little while and he tries to convince me that I wanted to. When I wouldn't say yes, he pinned me to the bed and shoved a hand in my pants, at which point I screamed "get off me" and my friend yells back "what's going on". He releases his grip and I run out of the room to sleep in my car, since I was far too drunk to drive. This was the first time he was overtly physical with me, and I had already decided things would be over. To top things off, when I went back into the house in the morning to grab my things, I turned the corner to see him coming out of my Mandy's bedroom naked. They proceeded to date for a number of months, and told all our mutual friends that my testament of what happened that night was made up; that my cries of sexual assault were just because I was upset that he was dating someone else now. This happened when I was 18, I'm 21 now. I haven't spoken to either of these people in over a year (aside from a half-hearted twitter apology from Mandy), but everything that happened still makes me feel awful. I worry that I'll never know what a healthy sex life looks like. When my current boyfriend doesn't want sex I feel like I must be disgusting and unlovable, yet when he DOES I just feel paranoid that he's using me like the last guy did. I feel as if I can’t trust my own judgement a lot of the time, and struggle with guilt over how I “let” him do so much shit to me. Sometimes I feel pathetic that this relationship from high school weighs so heavily on my conscience, it makes me feel like I must be “hung up” on an old fling in order to still be replaying scenes with him over in my head. Thank you for writing your post, it was really validating to see that I’m not alone in this experience. And thank you if you managed to read to this point in my comment, I really didn’t intend for this to get this long but once I started typing I just couldn’t stop the emotional waterfall.