I was in a similar situation yo your daughter. My parents wanted to control what music I listened to, so I learned to hide it. They wanted to look at my texts, so I learned how to hide that too. They wanted to control my physical appearance, so I learned to hide piercings. Hell, I have had a septum since I was 18, and now at 21, just told my mother. I dated older guys, even older than your daughters boyfriend. But at least my mother had the decency at 14 to bring me to an OBGYN and explain STDs and birth control, so I was prepared. I was not sexually active then, but at least I had a doctor I felt comfortable with, and my mother told me I could go to that doctor and she would never question me what it was about.

After hiding my life from my parents I eventually got tired of the pressure of trying to be what they wanted, and moved to another country. I now tell my parents 20% of what happens in my life. Do you want that? I see my family maybe once a year, and send the occasional text to my mom maybe once every other week. She would do anything to be close to me, but after years of pressure and never doing anything right, the damage is done. With the encouragement and support of my husband (who I did not even tell her I was married to) I have started opening my life to my parents again. My mother is coming to visit me this January, and I am excited to see her and hope we can repair our relationship.

For god´s sake, take your daughter to an OBGYN. Tell her you only acted that way because you love her and care about her well being, but now you realize she is old enough to be trusted. Tell her while you don´t approve of her having sex that young, you would rather her be protected. Introduce yourself to this man, maybe he is terrible and is her way of defying you, or maybe he is genuine and kind. But you will not know until you meet him.