I'm not here to tell you things get better or anything like that, just kind of to relate. I'm 23 at the moment, but I remember being 19 and I remember it being hell. Not even just 19. But probably from ages 16-22 were the worst years of my entire life.
My biggest fear and the only thing that constantly kept me down was loneliness. I started working right before I turned 18, at a department store down the road. I didn't have a place of my own, but my mom was really stern and made me take care of myself still. If money was tight in that situation, I can't imagine how tough things are for you.
Even if I had people around me, I always felt alone. It got to the point where I gave up on companionship and just kind of slept. When I say I gave up and slept, I mean whatever time I wasn't at work I was in bed. And even though I didn't care for companionship like I did before, I always wished there was someone to take me away from all of my shitty feelings.
I had days where I swore it was my last. I seriously tried to once. I forget all of the events up to the point where I woke up, had to pee, and then had 4 nurses around me shaming me. Such messed up shit, they didn't really care. That didn't really help much, I kept spiraling down.
A year or so after that is kind of a blur. I worked a bunch of different jobs and went to school. Days were repetitive.
After 5 years of literal hell I finally met someone who brought me out of all of it. I wasn't in bed as much, and when I was I spent that time talking to them. We'd been through similar things and would help build each other up. Let me tell you how glad I am that I didn't die that day, or else I wouldn't be living with them right now. Trust me, I still have my bad days, but it doesn't compare.
I think a lot of the problem when people offer advice-- especially if they've been through it-- is that they've lost sight of how overwhelming it can be. I always remember the way that I felt in order to cherish every bit of growth in my life. It wasn't an overnight change, but 7 years later I'm 2,000 miles away from home with the very person who saved me from myself. I hope to god that things turn around for you, too.
And F anyone who thinks they have a right to judge you for the way that you feel. You can PM me any time you need someone to talk to, throwaway or not.