I went/am going through something similar with both of my parents, so I empathize strongly with you. I think a lot of the feedback you received here was great, but I wanted to touch specifically on the sense of obligation you feel. My parents made it abundantly clear in a multitude of ways my entire life that I wasn't living up to their expectations, despite being a straight arrow with great grades. Some people will never be happy with you, no matter what you do. I went no contact with both my parents for about a year when I was 19 ish, then began responding to their attempts because I felt guilty. I think letting them back in was the correct choice for me (though everyone's different), because it bothered me so much feeling like I'd failed myself for not helping someone that I knew I could and in my eyes, should. They didn't deserve me back, nor did I deserve them, though for two very different reasons, but I also didn't deserve feeling crushed by my own guilt and regret over knowing I wasn't doing all I could to help. Now, when I disappoint them, it may still be hurtful, but I'm living on my own, I'm their primary caretaker as they're elderly and sick, and I can brush it off easier. I know I likely won't ever be good enough in their eyes, that's their problem though. Knowing that, I can usually find it kinda funny when they get mad. I take on an, "Oh, you!" mentality, and just move past it to take care of them without completely bankrupting myself emotionally. Don't condone her poor behavior, but don't let it break you. It's hard, or impossible at times, but it allows you a bit of freedom from their judgment, and still allows you to fulfill your sense of obligation and duty to yourself and your morals and sense of integrity first, and to your mother secondarily. I'm sure some people will think my folks just manipulated me back into their shitty behavior, but if I'm aware of it fully, and use it to everyone's advantage, I'd have to disagree. Do what's best for yourself, op. I think living alone would help you immensely. You can be a good son to her without tolerating her abuse, though it's a very tricky balance beam to walk. See if you can maybe move in with a friend somewhere closer to your school, a buddy may help ease the transition. As for the meantime to bring yourself out of your depression, try reading books, or writing, drawing, going on walks. Really, any healthy form of escapism, including talking to us on this sub will help you. Feel free to message if you want or need to. :)