End of senior year is here i feel like my friends aren't my friends I'm just some kind of entertainment for them. I bully some of the younger kids, but not really. I mean one time I hung a kid by his underwear on a hook in the changing room, but i mean he was a real punk jerk to other kids so I didn't feel bad. But really I was actually nice to the younger kids and we talked and laughed and joked. And then I got a call from an old friend from middle school inviting me to a party at another old friends house. I was SO nervous I took two shits before leaving the house. When I got there I was awkward and didn't really talk much to anyone. I kind of just hung in a doorway for a while. Until I saw her... the girl I loved and still loved. I was so freaking nervous I didn't know what to do. So i started drinking. And I loosened up and i played games and talked to old friends. And I talked to her and it was awesome. I loved her. I wanted her back, but I was depressed and had no self esteem. She would never take me back. I got really drunk that and she left, but one of her good friends stayed behind. And she started making out with me and did I mention I was really super drunk. and... I drove I knew of another party in the next town over and i drove with this girl who was making out with me and I felt amazing. i parked the car and I had no idea where this party was and we started walking the streets and making out. after a while i drove back to the other party and we hung out there for a while and then she wanted me to drive her home and I did and I was drunk... so in her drive way she starts making out with me and then blowing me and she takes off my pants and we have sex and I'm super drunk i hardly remember any of this. So she gets out and I start to drive. Theres a cop behind me, I'm calm and collect I'm near the next town where he can't go so I drive across town lines and then pull into a parking lot for 15 minutes thinking he'd forget about me. I should have taking a different way home actually I SHOULD NOT HAVE DRANK AND DROVE PERIOD DO NOT DO THIS IT IS DUMB. but anyway I didn't I wanted to go back to the party so i go back and I'm about to turn into the street and WOOP WOOP the lights go on and I'm busted. He said I had a marked lanes violation, which is bullshit because I knew I didn't besides for being really drunk I knew I was not driving like an idiot. Anyway shitty cops are gonna be shitty cops. I get an "OUI" Operating under the influence. I'm 18 years old. I'm so pissed and ashamed I didn't go home for a few days I stayed at my friends house. And the next day the ex gf texts me all upset that I had sex with her friend. And I didn't know what to do. I was upset with myself. At school I couldn't play in my Lacrosse teams play off game and that really sucked. So I lost my license I had social anxiety and life sucked. I went to college. For 4 weeks. I was dormed with 2 soccer players who had been there 2 weeks before everyone else and they had their groupd of friends. I was nervous and we hung out and I didn't talk really to anyone. We went to a party and this really attractive girl took a liking to me so I sat with her and we drank and she gave me jungle juice. and then I projectile vomited on some girl and I got kicked out. I saw that attractive girl a few days later and she acted as if she never saw me before. I went to another college where bunch of my old friends were and I partied and got drunk and we had a good time. The next days 15 of us were walking around campus and I didn't say a single word all day. I was so nervous I didn't know how to leave either so I just stayed with them looking like an idiot. These were mostly friends I had from middle school and now I couldn't even talk to them with out being drunk. It was a terrible experience and I left college the next week, because I didn't have any friends and sitting at lunch a lone was embarrassing. And this is when I told my parents I think I have social anxiety and I told them how I felt and what happened and I didn't know what to do. So I played video games for the next 6 months 12+ hours a day. My parents didn't know what to do. I didn't know what to do so I just played video games. I rarely left the house. And then, i started taking medication and i started to get a little better. I'm 19 now and my friend down the street is having a string of parties for july 4th. I go and I'm nervous and I see a ton of people I haven't seen in a long time. The next day... She is there and I am so nervous. I start drinking to get up some liquid courage and we hang out. I'm in love again. She comes back to my place and we have sex and it's awesome. We start hanging out again. A week later we drive 14 hours to a festival and that was the best 3 days ever. I had so much fun. I still have tons of anxiety, but I'm doing my best to be normal. She goes to school 45 minutes away but I go there all the time to hang out with her. This goes on for four months. But I'm still emotional inept. She has parties at her place and I see guys flirting wit her and I don't know how to deal with this. I cry and get angry I'm 19 years old and I don't know how to deal with these emotions. She's cool and calms me down. I'm so confused and way over my head so I break up with her. It was hard and I didn't want to do it, but I did it because of my anxiety and I thought she could do better than me and I know she will. I'm just not in a place to have a relationship at that point in time. So life goes on. I'm playing video games, but not nearly as much as I use to. I'm hanging out with old friends I'm smoking weed and drinking and trying to have fun. I still have anxiety but I'm taking medication so it's not as bad. This goes on for a year and then I go to a party and I see this girl I use to go to high school with and she's really attractive and I want to hang out with her so we plan to hang out. One of my only real friends from high school throws a party and I invite her and her friend and we have a good time and then we go upstairs and make out and I literally break her bra off and she blows me, but we don't have sex. We start hanging out and I'm super nervous about it I have no idea what I'm doing, I have no confidence, but she likes me. So we do this for a while we have parties and hang out and do stuff and all her friends love me cause I'm super nice and I love them cause they are all super nice. We are together but we are not boyfriend and girlfriend. Her ex boy friend still calls her everyday and she's really close with his family. I really like this girls so I put up with this... for two years. In which that whole time she never mentions to her ex or to his family she is seeing me. So I'm kind of some secret of hers. And this can really takes its toll after 2 years. And she's a really flirtatious kind of person and one night she's flirting with my good friend and his cousin and I take her aside and I tell her how I feel about it and she's totally not understanding and goes and does it in front of me again and so I push my friend and then I push his cousin and then I pick her up over my shoulder and I trip over a chair and I drop her and I fall. (we all had been drinking and it was night time) and my good friend thought I had like body slammed her or something so he tackles me after I get up and I don't even have time to ask if she's OK before I'm on the ground again being choked out by my best friend. And if no one had come to my rescue I think he might have killed me because I couldn't breath and he is WAY stronger than I am and he has hard time with anger when he's drunk so I don't think he would have meant to, but he probably would have killed me. So my 3rd incident with a close call with death this time by my best friends hands. So I storm off I get in my car I yell fuck you flip off everyone and I go home. And I am a wreck I know it's over between us cause there is no way I am dealing with her bullshit anymore and I break down and I tell my parents everything I tell them about having annal sex when i was in 7th grade and all other kinds of shit I probably shouldn't have told them but I was an emotional wreck and at 22 still emotionally inept. So my dad finds this hospital that deals with depression and stuff and he has me go there and I go to a 2 week program to get my shit together and it kind of helps but not really, but I didn't talk to my best friend for maybe a month before I called him an apologized and he was alright with it and he was sorry too. After that I had some flings I traveled a little bit i had shitty jobs but mostly have been a lone and playing video games. My dad found a social anxiety expert online last year and I've been skyping with him for a few months now. It's slow going and its going to be a long process, but I'm going to get better. It's so bad now that I haven't gone to any family functions (except my sisters weddings) for 3 years now. When we have Christmas eve party here I leave, because it's so bad now. I can't even handle my family. But I am working on it. So that is most of my story. It was long and a lot of it was left out obviously or else we'd be here for 25 years LOL.

Hope you enjoyed my story sorry its super long and probably no one will read this.