Update: Thank you for the advice about counselling – I agree that’s the best option and I’ve decided to try to get her there whatever it takes. I’ll just clear a few things up. People keep asking why I’d assume the problem is childhood sexual abuse and not something else. I answered in the comments but I probably should’ve put it in the post. During her childhood, her sister was sexually abused. Her brother also believed he and my wife were too, (they’re twins btw). She didn’t believe this and said she had no memories of it ever happening. Based on many things I’ve heard from her and her family, I think it probably did happen despite what she remembers. Her behaviour now is certainly textbook for someone who’s experienced or is experiencing sexual abuse, and the way her family describes what she was like as a child is also textbook for a victim. Sometime I cringe when I hear them talking about how she was, it’s just so obvious. I keep thinking how did none of you seriously put it together? There are reasons why I think memories of it might have been triggered recently or that there were things that caused her to reconsider what happened when they children. I’m debating whether to talk about them on here both for her privacy and because I’d be worried those details might give away who we are to people who know us. Tied into those details are also why I think it’s so devastating for her to realise that she was wrong and why I don’t think she could ever admit to herself much less anyone else what happened to them as children. So I’m not sure just yet whether or talk to about it.

I also realise it sounds like I’m just frustrated with the state of our marriage, particularly our sex life, and resentful of her. I was in the moment when I posted but I’m honestly much more worried about her mental state and how much she seems to be struggling. I would just like for her to get better and share with someone whatever is going on in her head. That’s my main concern. There have been a few incidents that have been very alarming and I’m afraid she’s losing control. The reason why counselling is going to be such a struggle with her is that she doesn’t have the most accepting attitude towards mental health. She has only ever seen professionals in the past extremely reluctantly and briefly. I don’t think she would ever agree to go to marriage counselling, and she has a very hard time talking about depression or trauma, especially with strangers. I’ll keep trying to get her there nonetheless.