My goals :
Become more insightful and calm in any situation
To have acted on life changing decisions in 2015 and not just sat planning/ worrying about it.
Have original thoughts.
Kill imaginary conversations/ fantasy situations where i dwell in my mind.
Make memories, do stuff, go places, make friends and laugh a lot with them and not be morose.
Kill to-do lists with pomodoro and sleep every night with the feeling of having done something meaningful in life or stay up late until you get it done.
Not to be discouraged if i reset. But start the very next moment and beat the previous streak.
Have monthly goals.
Meditate at 6 AM and PM everyday, incrementing by 10 minutes every month.
For 365 try as hard as possible to avoid girls - pixelated or real, romantic or casual, chats or Facebook or instagram. Avoid being infatuated.
Dedicate this one years time in my life to actually doing things, not planning like crazy, not thinking about results, but writing shit down on a paper and doing it, no matter if i fuck it up or not. Dreaming is NOT allowed. Do.
Accept myself as someone who has wasted life but not live with the fact. Work consistently. Have no ego towards your friends who are doing well. Pat them on their back. But get back to work.
Im 23 this Dec. I wasted all the days between 21 till 23 sitting at home, wasting my parents money, lying to them, to my friends, disconnecting from social media,being unemployed, making no real friends, loitering about on youtube, wanting to fuck an escort, making up stories, procrastinating as fuck, wishing for things, gaining interest, losing interest, being aware that i am at the lowest possible mental capacity of my brain at 23, dreaming of friends who are living a happy life, being soo sooo afraid of taking risks or doing something new, fucking up another ‘new start over day’ with the same routine.
Its as if ive ruined the best age of my life.. an age where i will for the last time have the energy to do new things, have experiences only to spend it on imagining how i will be if i get that film made or get that girl or fall in love or become an intelligent guy or spend so much time looking at pictures of escorts because a 'friend' actually goes to such places and i feel its him who is 'enjoying' life and i stare at my dick and feel incapacitous and try to learn 'techniques' to fuck an 'escort' to orgasm? I must be sick. Or get my dick jumping cuz i saw a random tight top or glam doll somewhere and that silkworm gnaws into me into a monster? I must be sick.
I want to live. For once. For one year of my youth I want to be brave. To not think but act. To torture my mind to listen to the voice inside that tells you the most honest thing you have to do right now.
It will be hard. Ive been through 2014. Ive learned lessons. Im at rock bottom - Brain fog to a level that fucks even basic addition and subtraction, Attention levels of less than 3 minutes, smallest of mental challenges fatigue my brain,no clue to where life’s headed, thinking about suicide, pushing things to the next day (we start fresh tomorrow), alienated by friends, addiction to fantasies… Thats where I am right now.
I want to fight and be brave. Failure is fine but i want the courage to not be discouraged. I want to be truthful to myself that even if someone hacked my brain and laid bare in a newsletter to everyone I know on every thought of mine, I would not have to be embarrassed.
Im not waiting for the first. I started yesterday. 2015 has already begun for me. Happy New Year. ATB