I think I’m about ready to stop too. For one thing, I’ve been at this for ten years, granted two of the three were so unprofessional that they caused harm. The one I’ve been seeing for over three years is a very good person, I trust him, and I respect him. But I also think that I was so badly abused as a child, and in two marriages, and now by the alienated children, that there needs to come a time when I have to admit defeat. It’s nothing more than bad luck, having a monster for a mother like I had, a childhood filled with fear and isolation, and the damage is real. I’m in my 50s, and I think that’s about all that can be done fir me. I cannot be fixed. I have to live this shit hole of a life that I created just to survive. Sometimes, admitting there’s nothing left to be done and accepting things is better. It will also save me an awful lot of money—I’d like to travel. I can’t have both. Hell, I can’t even justify buying a new sofa because of what I shell out every month for this.

I got broken a long time ago. That’s just how it is. I’m no longer taking it personally—bad luck in the birth pool, thars all. I’ll always be sad about it, but … as the saying goes, it is what it is. Dissociation is dangerous, but all these years and money haven’t helped. I’m on my own pretty soon.