This touches really close to home for me. About 4 months ago, when my daughter was almost 5 months old, I stopped taking my anti-anxiety medication. I thought that because I was feeling better, that I didn't need it anymore, and I was fine for the first couple months.
Since had been doing so well off of it I didn't notice any of the small red signs that popped up. I was more irritable, I felt more stressed out, I slept less, and I had a harder time doing basic tasks like chores. I knew something was wrong when I stopped doing things I used to look forward to, like taking my daughter on walks in her stroller, or sitting down and playing a video game. I slept on the couch away from my husband because I thought I just needed to be alone.
About a month ago I was sitting in my living room trying to calm my crying daughter. Nothing I did was working, so I was sitting there alone (my husband was at work) holding her and just absolutely sobbing. A thought popped into my head. "What if I wasn't here?" And the thought changed. "I'm doing such a bad job at caring for my daughter, she deserves so much better, she doesn't need me." And the thought kept morphing until I felt like dying. Until I felt an urge to get up, set my daughter in her crib, and drown myself in my tub. Thankfully I recognized that as being not right, I called my doctor and they let me get a refill the next day for my meds.
I'm happy again. I'm not suicidal anymore. What I hope is gathered from my story is that depression is a sneaky little fuck. It lies, itdeceives, and It preys on your insecurities. Most importantly, it's wrong. You're not a bad person, or a bad mother, for being depressed. It's not shameful to need help, and you're not at fault for not catching it sooner. So many people are depressed, and as a new mother it's incredibly easy to chalk all the warning signs up to being tired, overworked, and stressed out. Listen to yourself, and if you think something is wrong then do what's right for you and talk to someone about it.
And if anyone needs to talk, PM me. I might take a hot minute to reply, new mom and all that.