Having a laundry list of diagnoses... A paycheck that barely covers the cost to attempt to to treat them. Taking an anxiety medication 4 times a day that we prescribe to patients who are extremely nervous about their surgery.. They get 1.. They aren't allowed to sign consent forms if they have taken it and they have to have someone drive them home. It barely takes the edge off the tiny problems that overwhelm me every day.
Most people with the problems I have cannot function let alone hold a job, I barely "function".. I can't go inside a store alone without basically blacking out in a panic attack and buying something that makes no sense... I bought a rock the last time I attempted... I wanted to get a gift for my old boss who always listens to me... Always reassures me that I'm good enough and I'm not a burden.. I don't believe him, I don't deserve him.. I quit for some bullshit opportunity I was basically forced into..
My symptoms have exploded since. I've fallen back down the hole that took years to not get out of, but to cope with the world..now I feel like I'm a shell of what I was.. My days are darker and I'm consumed with my anxiety and paranoia.. I'm always exhausted. I'm always making jokes.. It's an escape hatch and since I read into everything, every possible scenario, every body language.. I read people well.. And I can easily make very witty jokes.. I'm always "the funny one" even when they know how broken I am... I feel like my sense of humor is my only value and the only reason people keep me around.
Back to the store. (I also can't communicate without tangents, trying to get people to somehow understand.. I make less sense, get frustrated with myself and feel guilty for force feeding them a glimpse of this runaway train..) I have a hole riddled recollection of what happened or how long.. Just remember apologizing constantly for existing.. For being in everyone's way.. And I bought a 18 dollar garden rock... I didn't realize until I pulled into his driveway and felt safe again that I bought him a fucking rock... And I cried for being such a disappointing piece of shit as always..
He texted me once he got home and saw it on the table with the rambling note... He was more grateful for that fucking rock than anyone has been for any of the ass busting I've done in the last 2 years. All the lies and manipulation and verbal abuse I've swallowed because they know I'll do whatever I'm told and take whatever I get. I'm not actively suicidal.. The amount of betrayal... The loss of the best job and boss I've ever had and the extreme stress of the job I did not apply for... But she knew my spineless ass would do.
Almost daily I'll walk past the 3rd story window and fantasize about jumping... it's morbidly comforting. But not anything I'd follow through on.
Maybe this wasn't planned... He saw the opportunity to end the pain and all those harmless fantasy's turned into action. Maybe. I don't know. I don't know what the hell I've been talking about or why... Sorry..