I'm going through heartbreak. Haven't felt like this in a long time (if ever).

I "met her" on a dating app slightly before the COVID shit hit the fan here in Europe. She doesn't live next door, but a short to medium train ride away, so meeting her would not have been a problem, we were making plans to do so but decided to be careful and wait it out, then when the lockdown went official obviously we decided to meet after it ends. I put on my profile that I am looking for a long distance thing at first anyway (i live in a rural area) other women I talked to for a while lived farther away and it was more logistically difficult to meet them whereas with her I could've seen her every weekend if things went well.

We really hit it off online and we started calling each other for hours and hours. Her sense of humor, outlook on things, communication style seemed to mesh great with mine, and as a bonus, I found her really cute physically; but most importantly she showed a great deal of interest in me and flirted a lot. Since I have had hang ups about flirting it felt liberating to be able to be myself and show a side of my personality that I rarely can, because she was more outrageously flirtatious than me and not easily offended, which made me feel safe. I also felt like we could talk through things well, she called me sometimes when she was feeling blue or stressed out and I'd cheer her up. She also showed her kindness by sending me masks. All in all it seemed really promising.

And then she texted me saying that she thought the distance (lockdown and then us living in different places) was going to be too much of a problem and that she didn't want to maintain hope of anything happening romantically. At first I was just numb and I gave her a standard reply of what I would call "graceful acceptance of rejection with possibility of remaining friends in the long term". But it really hit me the next day and I wanted some answers since I felt we hadn't had the chance to properly talk her distance concerns through, so I asked her if we could do that. When she replied to me, even though she was kind, it really hit me hard that she was not going to change her mind and I had to bail from the conversation. She said she was not going to contact me for an indefinite amount of time in order for both people to 'regain perspective' and eventually be friends but without the emotional lingering

The next night I couldn't sleep for even one minute and I ended texting her something rambly the next morning which I deleted straight away. Then the next day I texted her a more refined version of what I'd wanted to say for closure and to express the things I did not understand or agree with about her distance concerns, which I had wanted to talk about on the second day but could not because of the acute emotional reaction. I also wanted clearer boundaries than just not texting "for a while". I wrote that message with too much forced bravado though. I basically told her that if she really wanted to avoid imagining about a person who was not really in her life like she had told me, then we should break all contact over the lockdown and then meet in real life after it's over with a fresh perspective.

That was the last thing I wanted to send to her, but yesterday (2 days after that) I felt awful and I felt guilty about my tone in the last message. I didn't want my last message to have this weird annoyed/defiant/fake bravado tone questioning her concerns. I ended up profusely apologizing and saying that I have to let go of my selfish desires and if I really care about her, accept that she had no more romantic intentions instead of trying to argue, and accept if she needed space. I also told her if she didn't reply I would leave her alone and if she did reply I would listen to whatever she said, because she had done everything right even though I may not like it.

And so now I'm feeling like a complete clingy jerk with no self control, just another guy who acts weird after being rejected, even if I didn't insult her or call her names (which is a low bar to clear). I should had stuck to my initial reply, but I had too many questions that were tearing me apart since I felt like if it was really just the distance that was the issue, there were ways to fix the problem that we hadn't had a proper chance to talk about. But whether it was that or she was just letting me down gently, I should have kept my mouth shut (which i will do from now on, even though it hurts). And now I find myself pining after her not even as a romantic option anymore, just a friend and a person I care about. The lockdown is doing a number on me especially since we both agreed we would have probably already met up long ago if it wasn't for the lockdown.

Sorry for this novel, I just needed to vent since I am not only grieving a lost opportunity but also lamenting and feeling guilty about my not-so-ideal behavior after the rejection.