Thank you. I really appreciate all of that. That does sound totally devastating and I am really sorry that happened to you. It feels so shitty to feel ruined by heartbreak. When I have gotten out of relationships that were unhealthy but I still cared for that person a lot, it felt okay to be alone. I would miss them and I was upset but I was okay to be in my room watching movies and letting time pass. Since I was already experiencing so much depression before this whole thing happened, I feel terrible being alone, but I also dont really want to hang out with people a lot of the time. I recently made friends with a woman much older than me who I was able to vent a little to about depression. It can be so hard to tell people because of that whole feeling like a downer/burden, ya know? I havent told her yet that heartbreak was part of it because I feel embarrassed. Anyway, she said the same- to take good care of myself. Thank you for saying so also. It reinforces the importance of that. She also recommended that I seek some help and possibly medication. I know that heartbreak is a normal part of life and that it can cause depression for sure. That's why I wonder how people who struggle with depression get through tough times when normal times are already hard. Even though I am aware that I struggle with depression, it's hard for me to accept myself as clinically depressed because then it feels like I failed somehow, and that I am weak. I feel so stupid to have fallen so hard for someone so quickly, have worn my heart on sleeve, and let it all destroy me. And I know that things are going to suck for a long time because how could they not. I don't see an end to depression- especially after all of this. Also, I know it sounds so cliche and silly but that feeling of how the fuck can i even let myself love again. Someone kissed me a week ago and I let it happen, because why not. I felt nothing. He was nice and handsome but I felt nothing. I just wanted to go to my bed and never leave it again. It taught me that I'm now just emotionally fucked. Never before have I not enjoyed making out. It was a great coping mechanism in the past. Now it's like "ok, I'm gonna have my green tea.. I'm gonna put some honey in it because that would be nice.." Tea is probably one of my favorite things about being alive right now.