Never.

My son is 30 years old, still lives with me, and while he's a really passive, gentle person, I can't imagine him being able to function in society.

He dropped out of highschool not because of rebellion, but because of nervous breakdowns and general anxiety disorder. I don't think he's left the house in a year. He makes small amounts of money online buying/selling things that go up in value. He's a "flipper" or "reseller." I didn't even know you could print postage until he started doing it.

He doesn't spend my money, does his own laundry, and admittedly makes it a lot easier to keep up with the house. I don't want him to leave. He cleans up after me. I divorced his father when he was 2, and the rest of our family (other than very distant relatives) are deceased.

He never had friends as a child, and I made the mistake of sending him to a catholic school, where I later found out he (and his classmates) were abused, which I believe is what led to the psychological trauma. He's afraid of people in general. (We did get a small amount of money following a lawsuit.)

I never let him get a car or drive, so it partially feels like my fault... I was afraid of losing him. He expressed interest in getting a job in the past, but I shot him down. He just kind of gave up after that.

When I die I'm not really sure what he will do. The only solace I have is the fact that I'm pretty confident that he will commit suicide after I die. I'm using a throwaway account so people don't get angry at me for making this comment. It's brutal, but it's honest.

He's nocturnal, and I can usually hear him play guitar and record music late at night, so I sit in listen. It's impressive. I keep hoping he'll let other people hear, but he doesn't even let me hear, which is why I sneak and listen. He's told me that he doesn't want anyone to hear it because they'll make fun of him. (He's about 70lbs overweight, has been heavy since he was a toddler, and always had a complex because of how skinny everyone else in the family was. I'll admit I used to call him fat, hoping it would motivate him to lose weight. Again, I realize I'm part of the reason for his plight. He constantly says he "doesn't want anyone to see him.")

A lot of my coworkers always complain that I should just kick him out, but I can't. Sometimes I wish he would do something wrong so I could resent him, but he goes beyond what is necessary to be friendly and helpful. It makes me feel even more guilty. I pay the bills and buy groceries, but he literally does everything else, even my taxes so I don't have to pay H&R block.

Sometimes I wonder if he's autistic, but he was never diagnosed. I don't question it, because I realize his self esteem is already pure shit. I'm the only person he is willing to talk to on any level. (I'm sure he has online friends, but I don't pry that deep.)

So, yeah... I don't think I'll ever truly see him as an adult. He was an only child, so there aren't any siblings that could have helped him when he was younger, and it's hard for me to relate. I had a brother (deceased) and a sister (lives on the other side of the country. She hated our narcissistic mother and ran away when she was 19.)

My son's father died to diabetes 2 years ago and he refused to attend the wake/funeral. I can't blame him.

To top it all off, we found out he was sterile when he was a late teenager. (He tried to donate sperm lol.) So even if he got his life together, I can't see him having a wife, because who would marry a man that can't reproduce? I wouldn't.

After I divorced his father I actually realized that I was a lesbian. I never told him, and it wasn't hard to hide since I was only with 2 women, neither of which worked out for very long. I no longer pursue relationships, I have no interest, I always end up hating them.

Sorry for posting this in this thread. I've been wanting to get it off my chest for years, but never really knew where or how.