I encourage you to look into the effects of trauma, which is often and understandably intertwined with late diagnosis. ASD isn’t usually the sole source, but is what gets blamed usually, along with the person.

The patterns and responses sound familiar, and have taken a substantial amount of couples therapy and self-directed reading in CFT (compassion-focused therapy), attachment theory, family systems and complex trauma for us to work through. The source of much of this is learned patterns of dysfunctional communication, and coping strategies to survive in a family where you don’t fit in, in our case on both sides. We really needed a coach, strategist and at times a referee, which we found in a great therapist who was trained in trauma and had some similar background to us. We do a lot of armchair quarterbacking of arguments, conversations and how to change the dynamic. Trial and error. Repeat.

Breaking these patterns also required drastically cutting off unhealthy family relationships. That may all be more than you’re prepared to address, though it’s all related and tends to cluster together. We’ve been married over 25 years, together over 30, both very late dx (and ADHD is also a big part of it).