I know that what I am experiencing is all part of the process of getting "centered". To regain my footing, or more like have it for the first time. All my life I felt like I was trying to compensate or accommodate a world that was often bewildering and overwhelming. Being buffeted and thrown about (emotionally) by expectations, judgements and experiences that were usually beyond my control or desire. Most of my life has been lived in response to the belief that I needed to be something other than myself, to belong, to be accepted or just get through the day. Never quite managing to pull it off, and then being filled with self recrimination. As if I had learned to flog myself with the gaslighting, scapegoating and infantilization that characterize my relationship with the world at large. Which has gone on since earliest memories in whispers and furtive glances, rolling eyes and knowing glances hardly disguising the contempt of my family and then "others". As if my family had a clandestine meeting with the whole world. I suspect these are challenge many of us face, when first diagnosed.
I can only look at "the world" from where I stand. I try not to get swallowed by regrets, because I'm nearly 65. Instead I try to be grateful that I finally have an answer. Not to the question it seems was ever present: "what's wrong with you?", but to the question of "who am I?". I have come to believe this is when and how I was meant to have that answer, that self awareness. I think that had I known 50 or 60 years ago, I would have been judged "defective" instead of accepted as different. So, it is now.
It's not that we are lost, it's that we have finally found ourselves. I need to remind myself of that pretty often. I need to allow myself to go through the process of self discovery and acceptance, and when I'm reviewing my life to do so with understanding, patience and kindness. WE need to allow ourselves that permission. Knowing that there will be times when it feels like it's all too much. Like now. I've lived long enough to have experienced the swings and circles in life. The depths and heights and times of contentment. When I was young life seemed so bleak, not knowing that a few years later I would feel happiness and fulfillment beyond expectation and hope.
As mind blowing as it all is... I'd rather operate from a position of honesty. I think that overall, we are far better off being our true selves, rather than some ersatz version of what we think is expected of us. Especially since I've never been very good at reading the signs and signals that apparently govern the lives of the NT world. Not knowing the "correct" way to feel, or respond to people and situations. What to say, or how to say it or whether to say anything at all. Always at the risk of offending. Skipping through life, oblivious of the boundaries of propriety or common sense.
My hope is that as we adjust, and jettison all that excess baggage that we've carried most of our lives, that we will be freer, lighter versions of ourselves. Still intense, but without the doubts and deprecation that we have accepted ownership and responsibility for, when in fact they were outside of us... based on ignorance, prejudice and fear. Like accepting someone's worst opinion of us and internalizing it. NOT. ANY. MORE.
I can look back on events in my life and imagine how differently life would have played out, had I known. But I didn't, and I can't. I can only move forward in the present. I can plan for the future, but I have to proceed from one present moment to the next. (I should print out a copy of this self advice to refer back to when it all seems pointless.) Be you, in celebration of all that is worthy and beautiful in you... not out of spite for others lack of appreciation. Sorry for the dissertation.