Don't normally post on here I'm a true lurker, but this post lets me tell a short and truly boring story I need off the old chest.

When I was in a bad way as a late teen, drinking, drugging, sleeping with women when neither of us cared for each other, socialising with fake friends, major self harm tendencies, etc, I met a girl online and we spoke every day without fail. Only problem being she lived in Vienna. We connected over our love of tattoos (She was a tattoo artist) and partying (we also shared the "Fake friends" to an extent)

She was my only "genuine" social interaction, whether due to the drug and alcohol abuse or underlying psychological issues I didn't trust any of my "Friends" or family I was living or socialising with, and even when I moved out of my families house to went live and work in a pub as a cook we still spoke every day and skyped. We planned on meeting in Vienna, then she was going to come back with me, before she went back to Vienna, me obviously hoping we both ended up staying in either or.

Things got a bit worse for the both of us, me living in a pub and having unlimited supply to sleep deprivation, alcohol and the occasional drug or two from friends, and her getting better with her tattooing, so busier. We stopped speaking for about 1 month.

Obviously in answer to this question, we'd both been so lonely, even though we were both living such social lives, and we found a bit of solace in chatting and video calling, and made that promise. 30 Years old, if we're still single, we'll marry. I was 19/20, pretty sure she was 25.

I maybe had 3/4 conversations with her after the 1 month without speaking to her. I can't read them as I deleted the social media account we used to chat on, but one of the messages I remember almost word for word was "Stuck in London can I stay at yours". I think I ignored it, maybe due to being off my face and disappointed we stopped talking.

I found out through a European tattoo artists social media page roughly a year later she killed herself. I don't think meeting her in London (Only lived 30 mins on the train away) would have made a difference in the slightest, but her death haunts me every couple weeks. She lived a fast and exciting life full of wonder and travel, and I was a quiet whisper of communication, that never amounted to anything real.

R.I.P old friend, off my chest, still in my mind.