My family My father was a sailor who would be away 8 months at a stretch when I was a kid. I suspect he has aspergers. He is awkward in public. He doesn't understand diagnosis and sees nothing wrong in me, his wife or his other child. He is hugely patriotic and God fearing. I ignore this facet of his but his entire existence is based on what society thinks of us. What will they say. But I love him, in my own way. I feel sorry for him that I am not the flower child he wanted but I can't help it. He wants me to desperatly get married and give him grandkids. Won't happen. But....I do feel sorry for him and dread the day he may die(if he goes before me). As schizoid as I am, I think that factor, of not talking to him daily when I could, will hurt me a lot. He is very very sensitive. My mother is a case. As a child I would watch her talk to herself, and not just normal talk. She would be enraged, she would be livid and theatric. Her father(my grandad) was diagnosed schizophreniac when he tried to kill a fellow officer and jumped from a building. An official army diagnostic at that. I am 100% sure mother is schizophrenic or atleast schizoid/Schizotypal. Of course unaware. She is a vegetable now, sleeping 16 hours and drinking beer when alive. She has been a vegetable for 10 years now. My younger brother came out as a transgender in 2009. He wants to be a female. This has definately hurt the family a lot. Conservative father is distraught, mother just ignores. He takes hormones and has big boobs now. People think he is the mental one and I am the sane rational queit one when in actuality it is the other way around. Apart from this sex change thing he is very normal. Astute, rational and driven. This is my immediate family. Because I was floating around for all these years the thought of marriage or kids never came up. Now that I am of that age I detest the thought of being a husband or father. I do not want to pass my mental makeup further down. This decision gets firmer the more I see the world around me. Just looking at these and other forums you see how difficult it is to create a sane happy individual. People are ignorant and live by a herd mentality. My fake character and live persona: In public I endear people. This isn't my narcissism talking. I can charm people off their boots if I want(most anyway). I went to study in Canada in 2009 and literally became a Canadian. My local friends were shocked that I was fresh off the boat. My knowledge of western culture, arts, everyday society overwhelmed them. I wasn't like other immigrants who only hang among their kind(which is something i noticed first hand). I give great presentations. I can vow the public and love public speaking. Before getting the film bug I was a student of business and we had a subject called executive communication where you go on stage and speak. I won every prize three years. One on one I make great company. Many people have told me. In Canada I would spend hours with older white people(old age center) and I loved it. I love talking one on one and notice that in these conversations I hold centerstage. But, however.....if another person joins in, or say there is a group discussion then I am left out. Not just left out but people ignore me. When I give a speech they love, when I come down and interact they don't seem as impressed(unless one on one). I am also rather good looking, or was until I simply stopped eating good and paying attention. In Canada random girls would ask my number. Again, this isn't me yanking my own chain, just the sad, pathetic truth. I have a feminine face with pinkish lips and feminine features. Maybe this is the reason I was brutally sexually assaulted as a 7 year old. He would put me in a barrell after f****ing me and beat the barrell with a bat. I still have those vivid images in my head but to be honest....I am not affected by it like many are.
I started keeping a journal of all the women I have asked out/they asked me out from 2007. Close to 30 women have asked me out. I have asked out 4 and been rejected twice. 30 may not seem like a large number but keep in mind I am a recluse who hardly ventures out on his own terms. Now comes the catch. They ask me out but they see the real me and nothing happens. Not a kiss, nothing. They are repulsed. Because on a given day my schizoid self takes over and even faking fails. I was a virgin till 27. If it doesn't fail I get tired of the act and retreat in my coccoon. See where that arrogance/aloof thing comes in. I have only slept with 2 of these women. In my 20s it would bother me a lot. I wanted a relationship. Everyone thought I must be getting laid like there's no tomorrow but only I knew I had no history, nothing. But now, the last few years for some reason I don't crave a relationship at all and masturbation suffices my sexual craving. Is it my developing misanthropy or the fact that a disorder truly comes into its own at this stage(20s,30s and then subsides). My path to schizoid. The wedding was a catalyst of sorts but I have always been trying to find a reason for my condition. My deep existentialist angst. My hate. At first I thought it was low testosterone. Got it checked and nope, on the contrary it was high. I thought it was Thyroid disorder(Hypo, Hyper...it runs on my dad's side). Got it checked....nope. Then what was it? Why coudldn't I feel anything? Worse still my attention span was gone. It is terrible right now. I seem to have the worst of ADHD it seems. I cannot sit through a movie now when back in the day I could watch and analyse 3 in a day. Today I have to take a million breaks. In the break I get off my bed and imagine scenarios in my head. Even if the movie has me gripped. Reading has also suffered. So I looked around. And I found depression. I was so certain that I was depressed that in Canada I personally spent 200 dollars a session with 3 doctors!! They did diagnose me as depressed and started something called cognitive behavior therapy but i got bored after two sessions and never went back. I tried magnetic therapy. Nothing. I came back to my home country and for the first time in my life(last year) took SSRI's. NO sensation! Maybe I was just unfortunate. Then the wedding happened and the diagnosis. Also, just to be sure I went to another therapist who also diagnosed me as schizoid. But I still want answers. And that is why I came here. My sensitivity. I am very sensitive. I cannot handle criticism(which perhaps won't bode with my profession in the movies). Even online if someone ignores my message or replies with sarcasm I get angry and plot death scenarios in my head. This is what my mother was as I observed her as a kid. In Canada I still remember two girls were in the metro in Toronto and I went and sat beside them. They got up and walked away and sat far away. What would you think of this? I still remember their faces and think about it everyday(this was in 2007). A hundred other cases like this, going back all the way to 2001. I remember. They probably don't even know I exist, but I remember. My sensitivity endeared me to animals and I would spend hours with dogs. I even got a cow to stay in my apartment in Ottawa(much to the bemusement of my friends and dismay of my landlord). People hurt me. They hurt me when they do not reply back to me when I ask them something. I would never do this to anyone and never do it. People hurt me. But now I am changing. My loss of interest: I had many passions. Because I was a recluse I became a voracious reader.Any subject you name it and probably I know about it. Because of my speaking skills I would give business presentations and everyone would be on board. In Canada I wanted to start a floatation tank center and even got partially funded. Then I got bored and stopped contacting them. When I got into films I made great pitches(though Jake Gyllenhaal was bored) but rarely followed up. My father says this director thing is a pipe dream, you don;t work on it. And I don't. I loose interest. Look I want to add a lot more. But I would wait for a few responses. So many other facets of life I'd like to share. I have it in my head. Now...I am just bored. Later.