I stopped caring about that when I became a person that was kicked out of someone's life.

Now I teeter between just being happy I have people in my life, and being completely confused over how people can think in such black and white terms, and also being totally afraid that I'm going to wind up seeing it exactly from their perspective while seeing it coming, and just wishing I could disconnect from whatever life is and dying quickly and painlessly, because if this is supposed to be the ride that everyone gets in life, god is a sadistic bastard.

I used to never want to get close to people because I know what it feels like to watch someone close to you die. Now I just wish that I could break my brain and make it so I don't have feelings and I'm not responsible for being confused about how to interpret random mutable signals of them, which is actually how it's always felt, aside from what it's like to watch someone die, because that's the only thing that can't change, no matter how hard you try to hallucinate or spiritually invoke them back into reality.

You really don't know how people think about you. You don't know what gaps you fill in their life, and they probably don't know what they'll miss about you if you weren't there. This is shit that everyone in life has but doesn't think about usually. People often live in fantasy worlds where they objectify and exaggerate 'the important people' in their life and ignore the ones they take for granted, all the little quirks and tidbits of life they don't even know are being filled for them because they don't even know what their absence is, because they have never experienced it.

Just take it as being a step less ignorant. I just try to live cherishing everyone I come into contact with, while isolating myself most of the time in my room or at my computer, and hoping that I manage to add something objectively good, somewhere.