As far back as I can remember, I always wanted to be in an elementary school gangster movie. By Christmas break of the third grade we all had enough cash to keep us up to our ears in pogs and beanie babies until middle school. How? Shaving Pencils.
Kenny was the artist. A creative vision that knew no bounds. We all knew he'd move on from our group and create the next great American masterpiece. Kenny would shave and color day in and day out. He made one of a kind pencils that became the desire of every student from kindergarten all the way to the big bad 5th grade.
Rocco was the mouth. One time I saw him sell an apple for a fruit roll up and 3 vials of Ravens revenge. Some guys just know how to work the system. It was Rocco that took Kenny's little recess hobby from behind the seesaw and into the spotlight. Rocco made Kenny's designs into a status symbol.
And me? I guess you could say I was the ambitious one. I saw an opportunity and I went for it. I was tired of the day to day grind. Cursive, history, long division! I thought about 9 more years of this nonsense would kill me. So we started selling.
At first it was tough. Using our lunch money to buy product. We were underfunded and churning out so many pencils that we didn't have room in our cubbies. Times were hard. Rocco and Kenny would fight over the artistic direction, I'd fight with them over costs. It looked bleak. All that changed when Michelle, the most popular girl in school asked me to borrow a pencil.
I handed her Kenny's first edition, the one that started it all, The LP LaserWriter 2000. Michelle looked down at that slender scribbler and replied, "oh, cool pencil." That was it. The spark we needed.
Rocco spread the word about how much Michelle loved the pencil and we were off. We'd sell them for 50 cents a piece, 3 for a dollar. By the end of the week the whole third grade had one of our pencils. Money was coming in faster than we could count. Kids would throw down their lunch money day after day. They needed Kenny's creations. They were addicted.
After a few days we made enough money to buy out the school store of every pencil and marker they had. Now if you needed a pencil, you had to come to us.
Kenny still kept to himself. Using the money to buy art supplies for other projects. Rocco slid into decadence head first. He'd walk into the cafeteria and buy chicken nuggets and chocolate milk for everyone. The good chocolate milk, the kind that came in bags. Me I always needed more, I made sure every dollar we made went to making us more money. Life at the top was good. Too good. Until one day it all came crashing down.
We had a science test. Scantron. Test days were always good for business, everyone needed a no. 2 for scantrons. I finished up and walked to hand in my exam. The teacher looked up and said "oh, thanks K...wait a minute". I froze. What did I do? Maybe leave a whole section blank because the exam paper was double sided? No it wasn't the answers, it was the paper itself. There were red smudges all over. The teacher flipped through all the exams and realized every single paper was covered in colorful smudges. Covered so much that the scantron machine would never be able to read them properly. "Take a seat," she said. Teacher gets up in front of the class and says "everyone, show me your hands!" One by one we stuck out our hands in fear. Each one more colorful than the next. The ink from the markers was rubbing off. We were finished.
It turns out, parents were calling the school and complaining that their kids were coming home hungry because they'd spent their lunch money on pencils, and with one hand covered in marker. They had been on to us for a while and they were waiting for the smoking gun. To catch us red-handed.
The teacher picks up a pencil and asks, "where did everyone get these?"
The whole class turns and stares at me, Kenny and Rocco. That day the Pencil Shaving Club was disbanded. We never sold another one again.
We were sent to the principals office to confront our punishment. A week with no recess. A lifetime for kids that age. They found the ninja turtle piggy bank in my cubby where we kept our score. They took it all. Well most of it anyway.
Kenny was smart, he invested all his money in art supplies. He used this experience to create some truly magical work in 4th grade. He had paintings all over the hallways.
Rocco was never the same. He tried to sell some scented hi-lighters to kindergarteners and got detention for a few weeks. Once the summer came he was gone.
Me? See I knew we couldn't last. The evidence was rubbing off on my hand from the very first day. So I stashed a little nest egg at home in my sandbox. I bought dunkaroos every day for what seemed like years on that money. To this day, nothing has ever tasted quite as sweet.
TL;DR I helped create a pencil shaving ring and took third graders' lunch money.