I really want you know that I first tried to go to IOP, where they suggested I go tomorrow because they wanted me to get to really meet everyone during the beginning of group. It isn't an excuse, but I do swear that I tried. I wanted to be there. I wanted to sit in a miserable group and talk about how now that I'm clean, I hate myself for who I was, even a week ago. I wanted to find support. I wanted to talk to anyone besides you, for the sake of sparing you and keeping your thoughts away from heroin, about just how fucking crazy I was becoming because I've been unwell for so long. I always thought opiate withdrawal was four days, but this is my first ever cold turkey, and I didn't know how unprepared I was, because my body aches from shaking. I asked Neil for suboxone earlier today, which was my original effort, before I became so hurt with myself for physically giving into the pain that I just realized I was too weak regardless of which substance I used. I couldn't be strong enough for you. I just needed to make the hurt go away. I just wanted to feel myself. I wanted to be able to touch your skin, or have you touch mine - to kiss you and really feel it, and not just the way it makes my face burn or my skin ripple. I miss you so much, even right next to you. However, be so angry. I am the weight that drags you down. With me so unstable, we don't have a chance at a normal life. You are allowed to feel robbed, and cheated. Even the idea of you being tempted to use suboxone because of me broke my heart, because you are the the most deserving person in the world of being clean. I have watched you struggle, every day, and you continue to preservere. My god, you are so strong. I have watched you lose sleep - really, put in the sweat, and the tears. You are so beautiful, and so dedicated. And you just, you do, you just fucking deserve it. I want to spend my life with you, D. I want your morning kisses, and your afternoon ones, too. I want to have pretty little babies with you, and before you, I had never even considered them. I want to make you so happy. But above all, before anything else, I want to be someone who picks you up, and shines light on all of your perfect pieces. I want to bring out the best in you, and god damn, there is so much that is the best IN you. I know who you want to be, and I wish that I were the person who would get you there. Who would be strong for you, and never waiver. You should be mad. I was dishonest. You shouldn't let it go. It wasn't okay. The idea that I am currently the biggest trigger in your life breaks my heart, and tears me apart. I hope that one day you find someone who is just as deserving of you as you are of sobriety, whether it is me, or someone else. I just hope that you know that I will do everything I can to be her. Instead, I'm sitting across from you, in our bedroom, publicly massacring myself. Don't forgive me just yet. You deserved more.