tw: detailed i guess. i havent talked about this before and i want to get it out)

i dont know why i did it. Ive wanted to let my feelings out about this for ages. im clean but i still think about it from time to time. i never did it to punish myself or to feel something, its always just, been there. it was just something i did. i never went "deep" or whatever you call it, just surface scratches. I always felt like i never went far enough, or whatever. but i wasnt really fuelled by competition either though. i guess to me it kind of looked satisfying in a way or it looked format and controlled.

i still dont understand what was my motive, and i dont think about it negatively but i also dont think of it positively. I am clean but only because it is such an inconvience to me now that i live in a humid/hot area.

its never been like what you hear online about hating yourself or hearing something in your head. I would like to know if anyone has any input on this