I had a couple of slipped discs back in 2007. By the middle of 2008, my vertebrae started to erode. I was advised to avoid surgery with epidurals and pain medication. First, it was just 5mg vicodin as needed, but by 2009, I was taking upwards of 500mg or oxycodone daily. A 75mcg fentanyl patch was added when I was no longer able to walk due to "drop foot."

An MRI in 12/2009 revealed bone fragments scattered throughout my lower back, requiring immediate surgery. Before that could happen, they needed me to wean off of the opiates entirely so that they could sedate me for the surgery. 10 days of hardcore tapering and heavy withdrawals later, I was rolled in for surgery.

I woke up to the worst pain of my life. That's when I was introduced to dilaudid. Unfortunately, the surgery to fuse my spine, remove bone shards and repair nerve damage failed. I spent the next 5 years on and off dilaudid in attempt to control the pain. I must have gone through withdrawals several dozen times over that period of time.

I had another surgery several months ago to try to revise the failed fusion, but it looks like the bone is not growing again. The pain is back and my ability to control it is slipping away. I take high doses of opiates for several weeks at a time, backing off when the required dose is so high that it nearly knocks me out. Withdrawal, rinse, repeat. I've OD'd at least 3-4 times, once on purpose - leading me to slip into a coma.

At some point, I am going to just give up and slip all the way into full-blown addiction. I've been fighting this pain for nearly a decade and I'm running out of energy. I was hopeful that this recent surgery would give me a fresh start, but my orthopedic surgeon is starting to hint that I now am permanently disabled and we probably need to just work on lifelong pain control. Bummer.