As someone who had a lot of traumas and abuses, from bullying to physical and sexual violation sexual as a kid I feel that it messes you badly. The biggest problem is that it makes every next thing way more stressful as you're afraid that things can get worse. Having a father that called you a bunch of bad stuff and hated everything you did also didn't help.

I went to a college far away to run from past and problems.

I deposited all my hopes to turn the pages on my first love and it hit me like a truck when she cheated on me with her own brother.

Other relationships went and gone, from an almost marriage that had everything to be perfect to a recent abusive and toxic relationship where I had to cook, work to pay for her stuff and go where she wanted without even being allowed to give a single kiss.

I feel that since the first abuse I lost my identity and will to say "no".

The healing actually never happened to me, things just get more stable day by day, I am now able to be confident and smile, laugh, be charismatic.

After the last relationship I was so scarred that I couldn't even cry or call for help, I just found a new hobby, went to build r/gunpla and cleared my mind.

Even on my best days I still feel that I'm about to break, even on my new recent relationship there are slips where I feel that I'm not enough, that I don't deserve to be happy.

​

I did a lot of terapy, and talked to others about it, but it's like a monster that hides and appears only when you're alone.