It has been the most depressing for me. First, I wasn't sure I wanted to be a mum. I've never really liked kids and I just wanted to stay "free". But my husband always wanted kids so I decided "yeah ok". That is what society wants us to do anyway. Long story short, we had an amazing daughter. I realised I didn't want to be a mum after she was born but hey, too late I guess.

3 months old, she was diagnosed with a brain disease. We never knew exactly what it was so she spent her short life between hospital, seing dozens of specialists. And I spent her short life in depression. I didn't want to be a mum and I was stuck in this life. I loved her, but life wasn't fair.

She died when she was 2. I felt guilty for a long time even if I couldn't do anything anyway. I felt guilty that I wasn't enjoying my life as a mum. I wanted to die. But I survived.

I know I will never have another kid. I don't want to risk going through this again. We got divorced. My ex-husband is expecting. He has always wanted children. I don't know how he can do it. How he can risk it, knowing how hard it has been the first time.

Sorry for this depressing post but hey, you asked. I don't talk about it very often because I don't want to bother people around me with this story, over and over again, but sometimes I just need to get it off my chest.