I was overweight until around 2 years ago. For context, I’m a 20 y/o 1.8m guy who lost 16kg (from 88kg to 72kg) over the course of a year. The turning point for me was when someone who knew I was sensitive about my weight asked me “Why are you buying new clothes when you’re still fat?” with the intention of hurting my feelings.

Being overweight for most of your life means that I developed a deep-seeded insecurity with my physical appearance. When I was in school I always found myself at the butt of another person’s joke.

At my primary school graduation, they would project our school pictures as each student was being called. Having to sheepishly walk onto a stage when I could barely hear my name because it was being drowned out by jeers at my face on the screen (bowl cut, double chin and all) was a particularly humiliating experience (to this day I’m sensitive about having my photo taken and even then I reflexively tilt my chin up too high).

Following on from that, I ended up attending a high school where students where ruthlessly competitive in academics. When the people who I considered friends at the time discovered I was doing well, they ended up bullying me in hopes that it would affect my academic performance.

Throughout my weight loss I thought that the feelings of inadequacy would subside when I lost weight and became “hot”. Undeniably, my life did improve in subtle ways - I’d seem more approachable, more intelligent and more trustworthy.

But despite this, I’ve found myself depressed over what I perceive to be two sides of the same coin. It feels bad to be treated poorly because you’re physically unattractive - but after experiencing that it feels almost as bad to be treated well because you’re physically attractive. People establish assumptions based on how you look and the onus is on you to prove these assumptions right or wrong.

I get that judging based on physical appearance is often subconscious and instinctual but the realisation at how much looks can matter is still something that’s hard to stomach. Looking back, it was the right thing to lose weight but I did it for the wrong reasons. It was ultimately to validate myself in the superficial perceptions of others. I look in the mirror and I’m eternally dissatisfied with what I see - and that’s not a problem about appearance as much as it is about perception.