Im really grateful for your question. I hope its ok to use this as an outlet to gather my thoughts; albeit temporarily, as i will delete this for personal safety reasons. You see, I have had a very unusual, yet sadly not that rare, upbringing that i have only begun to uncover the depths of. I was born into multi generational trauma. Strong women. Independent women. Who happened to marry pedophiles.
You see, our children act our our unhealed trauma. When we are blind to our realities, we continue to pull situations and persons towards us to repeat. When sexual abuse is hushed, ignored, people reach for what they know. And our children pay the price.
I got out when i was 4. But that doesnt mean the sexual abuses and violence that i witnessed ended there.
My first memory is at 9 months, being held hostage by a roommate. From there, pieces of violence dressed as fun. The sodomy and drownings in whatever fluid available, the kiddie porn, that all was 2-4.
My abuse was always talked about. Always the subject of every interaction. I had no privacy, no secrets. I had to present well to exist. Yet inside, i had shattered into hundreds of pieces.
When i was 9, having experienced my last adult on child sexual assault, I realized that i had to change everything about myself in order to have a shot at a normal life. By 11, I had developed some very amazing techniques to give myself a chance at a normal life. Being old enough to exist outside of parental overdight was a god send.
Life happened. I forgot. I had been so gaslit and had so many head traumas and new sexual assaults. I shoved the last of the memories away upon the pregnancy of my eldest child. Refusing to have her grow up knowing about the dead bodies i buried with my dad or the dirty toilets that drowned me into acceptance of violent sodimy.
Every chance i had built up my way out...... ugh. Life.
A TBI returned my mind to that 11 year old girl.
Its been a journey and a half. I have completely estranged myself from everyone who was involved in my upbringing - my mother, my grandmother, cousins, etc. My fathers side, well.... thats been a treat. My.fathers been found guilty on pedo charges.
Ive been uncovering medical and government documents. The police are listening and homicide has picked up the file now.
I have proof. Now i have to share it with the rught people. Pictures.of three registered sex offenders in one family photo alone.
Being trafficked had nothing on being gaslit.
Life. Life isnt for the weak.
I got through, i keep getting through by living with integrity, always. I also embrace my inner child. And baby step life and activities when life gets really loud.
Ive learned that the anxious feeling is when im to gaslight myself..... healing. We all grow.