I should preface this by saying that I have a number of diagnoses from a psychiatrist: High-functioning ASD (What they used to call Asperger's back then), OCD, mild paranoia, social anxiety, stuff of that nature.

With that being said: I often feel like I'm living in some kind of crazy, topsy-turvy mirror universe. You might think I'm joking or something, but I can assure you that I am not. Let's just take social interactions as an example. When I know a pizza is showing up, and I'm expecting them to ring the doorbell or call my phone (Sometimes they're too lazy to go up the two small flights of stairs to my apartment), I nearly panic. I can't handle it. When I go up to pay for my groceries at the store, I always pray that the clerk isn't a talkative one. Getting a haircut is a fucking nightmare. And the crazy thing is that no one else seems to feel this way. Oh, sure, online there are people who do. But in real life? I haven't met anyone who was nearly as terrified of these things as me. My sweet and caring husband is thankfully very understanding, but even he can sometimes get tired of it and let out an exasperated sigh while saying "It's just an X, you just need to tell them Y, it's not that hard..." Okay, maybe not for you, but imagine this: Very enthusiastic public nudists go around and pull people's pants down at random in order to get them to realise that being naked isn't actually that bad. Imagine if this was a thing that was happening, and it happened to you, multiple times a day, in different environments. And no one said a thing, because it doesn't hurt and you can just pull your pants back up. You wouldn't feel like it was nothing, right? Well, that's kinda what it's like.

And then there's me and the rest of the world's differing interpretations of social cues. Unless they're making some incredibly obvious non-verbal indication otherwise, I generally assume that what people say is what they mean. The best way I can describe this is to imagine that you're mostly deaf, but you can read sign language. Everyone is capable of signing, and they do so to you, but you can only hear them talk if they practically scream it in your ear. You might learn to read some common mouth movements and know what they mean, but you still can't hear it. And when someone delivers a message to you in sign language, they'll follow it up with 90 % more on top of it which is said and rarely in a way that you can hear it. You'd probably feel like it was somewhat unfair, frustrating that people don't bother to sign the majority of what they said and meant, and you'd just start going off what they signed and the lip movements you have learned to read, as well as anything that actually is yelled into your ear. Now imagine that people were annoyed by this, and that when you tell them to please sign out what they're trying to say, they look at you like you're crazy, because this is how everyone does it, and they don't see any reason to change.

That's why I love the internet. No bullshit "But I clearly meant...", "You were implying..." or "Yeah, but didn't you see his body language?" Other people have it harder online because no facial expressions, tones of voice or anything that they can use. Well, fuck that noise. This is so much easier, and here, everyone has the same disadvantages when it comes to discerning meaning and intent in a text. In fact, I'm usually at a slight advantage compared to the people I know because things like detecting sarcasm don't come naturally to me, so I have to be able to detect cues besides what most people use to make it obvious. But outside of the internet? It's a fucking madhouse, and I seem to be the only one I know who feels this way. I cannot for the life of me understand why it wouldn't be better to make everything obvious, and to avoid social interactions whenever possible.