Realizing you might die.
Overdosed severely on amphetamines a while back when I was drunk. I'm bipolar and I was going through a mixed episode which tend to be the most dangerous because you have the reckless behavior characteristic to mania combined with the suicidal thoughts of depression. I guess the alcohol is what gave me the final push to actually go through with it. Anyways, it was many hours before I realized the gravity of what I had done. It wasn't until I was violently shaking with the muscles in my arms and hands stiffing up, and I was uncontrollably heaving water and tiny remnants of pills into a pot that I knew.
And this is where it gets hard to explain. I wanna use words like terrifying and devastating to describe how it felt, which I guess it was, but truthfully I think more than anything else it was just one word- surreal.
I think the best way to describe it is this: Think about your life right now as a whole. You have your memories, both good and bad. You have your present which includes everything concerning you at this very moment. And then you have your future. That's kind of the key to understanding this. We're always thinking about our future. Way more than you might expect. And I'm not just confining this to the fairytale life you envision yourself living 15 years from now. I'm talking about something as simple as what you might want to eat for lunch tomorrow. You see, when I finally faced the reality that I no longer had that nice and pretty 99.999% chance of being here the following day, I swear part of my whole perspective on life just went black. Because at that moment, my future was no longer a guarantee. It was no longer cemented into my predicted timeline like It had been every other day of my entire life. Suddenly, that cute boy who gave me butterflies just at the mere thought of him wasn't real. The trip I had planned to Florida wasn't real. My favorite breakfast food wasn't real. My best friend wasn't real. Because as far as I was concerned, they weren't. I had no reason to fully believe I would ever see them again. Despite being unimaginably fucked up, that was probably the most "present" I have ever been because I didn't have a choice.
(Also, if you're wondering how it ended up: Basically I had unkowingly told a friend what I had taken. Ambulance came. Went to hospital. I'm on meds now. Life is good.)