To get an abortion.
How I made that decision? I was 20, had an unplanned tryst with my college ex before I left for a year study-abroad. I had been in the study abroad country for about 2 months before I started to suspect I was pregnant. I was terrified. I was already pretty sure at that time that I didn’t want kids, I had put in two solid years of effort, work, savings, applying for programs & scholarships to get into the program I was in. I knew I would have to come home if I was pregnant. I was very concerned that my partying habits had probably already affected the fetus. As soon as I got the test results back, I started testing out ways to induce a miscarriage – exhaustive workouts, hot baths, punching myself in the stomach when no one else was around, dehydration, etc. I calmed down a bit after a couple of days of conversations with my Aunt, parents, cousin, the father of the baby & finally decided to spend a day completely by myself to try and figure out what to do. After a day of introspection, assessing the consequences, trying hard to picture my baby, parenting a child, I scheduled the abortion.
It turns out that nearly 20 yrs later, I was right in suspecting that I would never want children. I’m with an amazing partner who also doesn’t want kids. I give back to my community in all kinds of ways that I wouldn’t be able to do if I had been a single mother. I have a fulfilling career & the time, energy, and resources to be a good aunt, a community volunteer, and a philanthropist.
I know confirmation bias shouldn’t be underestimated, so maybe I would’ve convinced myself that keeping that baby was the best decision I could’ve made. But based on what I know of myself & the women in my family, if I had kept the pregnancy, I would’ve struggled through – but it would’ve been a duty, not a blessing. The ex told me he couldn’t contribute if I kept it. I would’ve been a single mom, living with my parents & therefore forced into being dependent on a conservative religious community I had already rejected at 14. Adoption wasn’t an option due to family dynamics I won’t go into here. I would’ve struggled with depression, self-esteem, a sense of failure, resentment towards my offspring.
I know that by posting this I’m probably going to get some backlash about being some kind of murderess, but I have never regretted that decision. Whether people are willing to admit it or not, every culture around the world has centuries-old, if not millennia-old folk remedies for terminating unwanted pregnancies. It is a common problem because we have a sex drive, but the decision to bring life into this world should be a decision, not an accident of biology.
I certainly regret the poor choice I made that led to me having to make that decision. I matured a lot as a result of having been faced with that choice & it has contributed to the conscious decisions I've made since then about what kind of person I want to be & what my impact in the world will be. My heart breaks for every woman who finds herself in that position, regardless of the choice they end up making.
TL;DR: Didn't carry the pregnancy, no regrets.