Jesus, this is a very sensitive topic. But I used to be depressed for a long time and even tried to commit suicide, several times. Here it goes:
One cold and chilli day my mother was feeling extremely ill. I figured since it was Flu Season, she was just sick for the day. She had chest pains, a nasty cough that wouldn't go away, extreme weight loss and shortness of breath. After witnessing all these symptoms I had to take her to the hospital.
I go into the hospital sweating and worrying what it might be. After 3 hours the doctors come out and say they diagnosed her with lung cancer. 5 Months later...She died. The news hit me like a truck, and all these thoughts of her death rushing into my head made me start to cry. All the thoughts of me having to have to get a job just to pay to live made me get a panic attack, the responsibility was way too much too handle.
Once my father heard the news he sat there, weeping on the phone for 20 minutes until he came to the hospital. My father was devastated but decided to continue to support the rest of the family. The great times we had watching movies or playing games didn't come around anymore, nobody smiled. I usually just sat on my bed and let my thoughts just seep in, looked at photos on how beautiful my mother was when she was in high school, and looking at photos of her childhood was heartwarming, not enough to snap out of my depression, but it...It was nice.
I went up to one of my gun crazy friends and knocked on his door, 3 times exactly. Once he answered I asked if I could borrow some sort of gun, I told him I wanted to go hunting with my father to spend some quality time. After choosing a few guns and a knife I head out the door, he asked why I needed pistols for hunting but didn't get suspicious enough to stop me from getting one, as a distraction I also borrowed one of his hunting rifles.
I brought all the guns into my bedroom, nobody noticing. I took out a sharpie and starting writing my final words:
"I am writing this letter to tell you that I love all of you, and nothing will change that. Thank you for caring for me my whole life, showing me grace and love. Ever since mom got died I was planning for this day, and now it's here. Since mom passed away I was thrown inside a world, world that was nothing but sadness and anxiety. It feels like everyday it gets worse, and worse, and worse. But it's over now, and I would like to thank you for being there by my side whenever I needed you. I want Zeljko (dad) and Max (Little brother) to live a good and long life. I'm happy now...I'm free now."
I placed the note on my chest and started to load the gun, I cocked the magnum back and it made a somewhat loud click noise. I looked at the gun for about 10 seconds and then placed it in my mouth. After thinking about it, I didn't want to go through with it. Shooting a gun would seem extremely painful so I decided to ask right here, on reddit.
I began typing, "Would hanging hurt" on /r/SuicideWatch. I clearly misunderstood the concept of the subreddit and everybody encouraged me not to go through with the suicide. I told them I basically made up my mind already and just wanted tips on how to make it not hurt/ending it quick. Eventually, somebody helped me. After reading tips on Reddit and other places I got a thick rope, tied a noose and hung it up in my closet.
I looked at it, looking at this rope and how it will be my final resting place from the breaking world around me. I grab a chair, tighten it around my neck and then I hold the suicide not in my hand. I jump.
It's obvious I did something wrong, the rope started to burn and sting me by moving all around my neck. I started to choke. You know that feeling you get when you get up really fast and then you get head-rush? That's what I got after about 2 minutes. Gasping for air, I start to calm down. And then all of a sudden: SNAP The pole I tied the rope to snapped in half.
I wake up and start getting my vision back, I'm in a hospital bed, I hear beeping and wires are hooked up to my body. I heard coughing in the distance and people running up and down the hallway. A nurse walks in the room and opens her eyes wide open to get me a doctor. Apparently I was unconscious for about a month.
The doctor started to give me some tests and at the same time told me he already called my Family that I'm awake. During one of the tests my dad walks in. He gives me a hug and starts to cry, we don't say anything to eachother, I didn't even know what to say. I gave him a hug back and we stayed like that for a few minutes while the doctor excused himself out of the room.
After I was ready to ditch the hospital I saw a therapist for a few months. I was diagnosed depressed and started to take medication. And we wrote me a "Safety plan" a sheet a paper to tell me why not to commit suicide, what numbers to call if I'm feeling depressed, etc.
I get back on my feet and made new friends, the world started to feel, more bright, more alive, more happy. I realized how special life was and how we can't waste it. I took a huge week hiking trip with my dad and my brother. It felt good to laugh with eachother as we shared stories, it felt good to see my family enjoying a good meal and a good laugh.
End of my personal story but just a month ago I was checking my messages and I got a PM from /u/WoofRuffBark asking if I was okay and directed me to a post on /u/DeadRedditors speculating that I was dead since my last post was "Does hanging hurt." a moderator took it down and I took down my hanging post so nobody gets any wild thoughts. I tell everyone that I'm okay and not to worry.
"R.I.P GetStupid": http://www.reddit.com/r/DeadRedditors/comments/2vu1mb/rip_ugetstupid/