I started playing league around 3-4 years around because I needed a distraction from the depressive thoughts and the feeling of guilt I had after probably causing someone to kill herself. I met her in youtube, she was japanese (I replied one of her comments then one thing lead to the other) and It was easier because I studied Japanese, we were able to communicate using English and some Japanese, (my japanese was bad and my english quite good, and she was the opposite) she was an artist, her name was Mitsu. She was a really sad person, she had a tough past and normal people would avoid her because she was sort of insane and crazy, like me back then. although I had dreams, I was looking for something different to the ordinary life most of us live, in her own words I was the combination of a "Buddhist monk and a yakuza", we used to chat a lot using YT's DMs, we talked about everything, most of all about life, she said that despite we were really far away she felt like we were really close, I once send her "Wish you were here - Incubus". She told me it made her cry, I didn't really care that much about her, I just pretended and said I did, as the manipulator and superficial guy I am. Eventually we both ended exchanging "selfies", she wasn't hot, she was normal kinda cute, just really really tired eyes, you could easily notice she had severe sleep problems. She found me attractive, she would say many compliments and idk.. it was kinda obvious she liked me. But I didn't like her the same way, back then the idea of a normal life and a relationship with romance and crap like that would just drive me crazy, but I didn't say anything to her, I thought it would be implied from the stuff I used to say about life. One day she asked for my addreess because she wanted to send me a drawing, I gave her my phone number, but I had this strange feeling like I should be careful because maybe someone that depressed and crazy could end up killing me, kiling herself or both.. so the day after I regretted giving her my phone. The next day we talked about us, she wanted to meet me, on the other hand I was trying to get some space from our "relationship", I already had someone else I liked and Mitsu wasn't really my type, but she was persistent, she finally said she loved me, and I told her I didn't care, I told her I wasn't looking for an ordinary life with her or anyone, I also told her she was being stupid for falling in love with me, and that she was ordinary after all and that the number I gave her the other day was fake. She replied with a lot of sad words without real syntaxis, like ...pain... hate myself... it's hard to breathe again...

then she stopped sending messages. I couldn't say sorry after all the shit I said, maybe it was just my stupid ego idk... The days passed, and one day I got a call from the mail, they said they received a package for me and all they had was my number. I went there and picked it up, it was a box and inside there was a drawing of some feathers like falling off from a wing. She did that drawing because we used to reffer to life and freedom with the ability to fly, and other things like the ordinary life was like cage, etc... next to it there was another paper with the words "I love you", made with a paintbrush, you could feel pain from the way the words were written. I felt stupid, like "is this for real?", I never thought I'd live that sort of drama. I decided to apologyze to her after all so I send her a YT DMS as usual. She didn't reply that same day as she would usually do. The days passed, they became weeks, and then around 1 month later I received a reply from her sister who checked mitsu's mail and noticed the YT DMS notifications sent to her email (she told me), then right after she said Mitsu killed herself because of me, that she fucking hates me with all her heart and things like that.. I didn't know what to say, I just couldn't believe it, I wrote a sorry then I logged out and never again openned that yt account

I became a zombie, my dreams...I can't think about them without remembering her anymore, I can't follow a real goal or dream, I feel like I don't deserve anythng but the guilt and pain, I feel the guilt everyday, less than before but I still feel it, I'm not capable of crying for her and that makes me feel even more guilty, not feeling as much pain for her as before makes me feel even more guilty. I regret the things I said to her that day. In my daily life make jokes and I pretend to be happy but I'm not. And as stupid as it may sound, only when I play league I forget, for a couple of minutes or hours about her, when I talk about LCS, or watch the games I forget about her...I'm sure i'm heading to hell, slowly but surely, I just don't know what to do anymore..every morning I wake up, every night I go to sleep I see her drawing in my mind and imagine her in her last seconds of life..