I deserve sth better than going back to it and having 18 y.olds as my colleagues.

That's... let's just say someone who says that doesn't have a full understanding of how the world works. You do not deserve anything, the world doesn't owe you anything, unless you get luckier than most people you will have to work hard at whatever options you're given until you have the opportunity to make your own options. And I know some of those people, they go slightly crazy, humans are meant to work and have a purpose. Fun loses its value.

You seem to think because you went to a given school, or you studied a given thing, that's where you slot into the world. Your degree only gives you the opportunity to interview for some jobs, which is a whole other task. Then if you manage to get the job, then you start completely from scratch again. After a few years most people - not all - move their degree information to the bottom of their resume because nobody gives a fuck where you went to school anymore - it's about work experience.

So no, you shouldn't kill yourself because you're lucky as hell to be one of the very few people who gets to enjoy consciousness. If you think this is too tough imagine being born at any other period in history with no running water, no computer, no modern medicine - you probably wouldn't have survived birth. Shit you were born into the plushness of advanced human history, what you're so worried about is hardly important. Have fun. The world is your oyster, buy a plane ticket to Thailand or wherever you want. Find a job in the place you go teaching english, or work as a bartender, or catch fish, doesn't matter. You only get to do this once so start thinking outside the box and have fun with it. Imagine you in 80 years with frail feet suddenly realizing those times when you were needlessly worrying about this silly shit when you'd give anything just to walk again and enjoy the little things in life.