This is beautifully written, and exactly how I felt about 3 years ago when I was battling depression. At the time, to be honest, I didn't even know what I was dealing with. I thought I was just heart broken over my ex (who is actually the same ex who brought me to this sub after we reconnected later on and dated for a year).
You will get through it. Depression changed me, even 3 years later I still feel the remnants of it. Not falling into depression seems sometimes to be my number 1 goal in life. Even after my BU 5.5 months ago, I told myself I will do whatever I need to do to not experience it again. But it is not always in our control.
Like you, I did everything to stay out doing something. It was exhausting trying to find new things to do and new places to go and new people to meet. I am better now for it, but when I look at pictures taken during that time, they are hard to fully enjoy because I know how I felt when those photos were taken and the sheer exhaustion of trying to hard to not be alone (and I was in a different city for work at the time and did not really know anyone).
Like you, I embraced my fears and became more carefree. I am so much more empathetic to people after experiencing a depth of pain I had no idea could exist. I have become more stoic and brave (maybe even sometimes too emotionless), mostly because everything I have experienced since then seems but a minor bleep on my radar compared to the pain of depression. Someone wants to yell at me? Ok, no problem. I make a mistake at work? Ok, no problem. Fender bender, no problem, etc. My ex would yell at me a lot (he was jealous type) and I would just sit there. Most time he would stop once I started crying, which took a while before that started to happen.
The one thing I hope is that I can reach the same level of happiness I felt before the depression. I feel like it stole my innocence and I don't know if I can be truly happy knowing what I know now - and seeing a different side of the world and life. I hope one day I can break that barrier. I am a content person and happy most times, but it's not quite the same type of "pure" happiness, it's tainted some how.