since we're doing the year in review:

life feels like a bunch of scalars when I'm looking for vectors. Every time I think "Is this forward?" something else happens and I lose sense of direction. I know I'm moving, I know it's progress, but I don't know where I am right now. It's a little like being in the thick of it, but I feel like I've been in the woods forever, or just one of those games in RPGs where you're supposed to do the correct turn sequence to get to the next stage and doing the wrong one brings you back to the first place.

this time last year I was less conscientious, less able to put things into words, and in a downhill relationship. I'm single and relatively happy, even as every time I dig further I find more and more problems and open new doors and new paths to explore and get lost in. I feel funny, too, not realising I'm 20 in that I felt like I was mature, but realising I'm 20 in that the things that didn't connect for me before are now connecting. all my life I just wanted to move forward, and forward, and forward, and now my memory of the past is good enough that I'm starting to feel myself in the process of losing the curiosity and the ability to see the charm in the things that once impressed me. I am becoming an adult, somehow. I'm at this starting line and racing and there are people ahead of me and behind me and even if I don't want to move, the race still goes on and I have to finish it.

but more detailed: I had casual sex. I conquered my fear of 30 year olds. I increased my partner number basically . . . 20 fold, probably. I started to take ownership of things that growing up forced me to, and it's strange, so strange to be in ownership of things like that, to have the buck end there. I've accepted being sexual, I've changed opinions, I've learned that I'm not so terrible of a person that I can't make friends, or that I can't develop attraction for people that I want to manifest into love. I've gotten secure in a lot of ways, if only in accepting my insecurities. I'm not exactly where I want to be but my ideas of what I want are mostly stupid and will be dated in 30 minutes anyway.